Internet Institute for the Easily Amused

Watchmen Watched. Geeks Everywhere Breathe a Sigh of Relief.

2009-03-06T08:06:00.004-04:00

Aaaaaaah. And whew.

When I wrote about the "Watchmen" movie back in August of 2007, the release of the movie seemed long, long away.

No more!

Today's the release date, and I was at the IMAX theatre at midnight to welcome it.

Ok, yes, I'm a little tired. The movie was close to three hours long.

But it was worth it.

It's funny that I mentioned the Harry Potter films in my original post, because that's what I said to my two big kids as we left the theatre at 3am: It's just like the Harry Potter films in the sense that they couldn't put *everything* in, and had to change a bit, but nevertheless it is very faithful to the original story and has the same "feel".

Two big geek thumbs up.

That Was Easy.

2009-02-22T10:42:00.003-04:00

I own an "easy button".

I saw it at Staples months ago and immediately had to have it.

It gives me no end of joy at work. Whenever I finish a phone call (I do tech support) I immediately hit the button for a little instant gratification:

"That was easy."

I'm sure it gives the people around me lots of pleasure as well. Wink.

I always make sure that my call is disconnected before I hit the button. I wouldn't want any of my customers to get the wrong impression.

Except for once.

A few months back, I was on the phone with a few IT guys who were pretty easy to deal with. Always joking, laughing, and such. It was a refreshing change. They were pretty laid back.

Anyway, we worked out whatever their problem was. Then, I heard something strange. It made me do a bit of a double take.

"What was that??", I say.

"Oh, sorry," they say. "We were just having a little bit of fun. We have an 'easy' button!"

"Wait!" I say.

"Listen!"

I lean over so that the microphone on my headset is right down at the level of my desk.

I press my button.

"That was easy."

They laugh their ASSES off. I laugh my ass off too.

It's funny how something so simple can cause such pleasure.

That was easy.

Die Hard 12: Die Hungry

2009-02-08T10:38:00.002-04:00

I don't know how I had never seen this before somewhere. It's not new.

It's a "Die Hard" spoof by Ben Stiller. From when he had a tv show years ago. And it totally cracked me up. The impression of Bruce Willis killed me.

Check this out:

My Personal Response to "LOL"

2009-02-02T21:40:00.004-04:00

We live in a digital world.

Communication is changing faster than it ever has, and our language is changing with it.

You know my biggest problem with all this?

"LOL".

Or "lol" even.

I live in a world and work in a career where instant messaging is constant. I have two different instant messaging clients on my BlackBerry, and a corporate client on my work computer where I'm in constant communication with three teams of co-workers. It's pretty effective, though a little chaotic.

The only thing that really bugs me is "LOL". Or "lol". Whatever.

You what my problem is? It doesn't even mean what it was originally meant to mean... which itself was only about twenty minutes ago!!

See, it was supposed to mean "laugh out loud". Now, people type it all the time, and I *guarantee* they aren't laughing out loud when they do it! Now, it means "ha ha" or something even less significant!

If I type, "Nice day today" they respond, "Yeah. lol." If I say, "I have a nasty rash on my thigh", they say "lol." If I say, "What time is it?", they say, "330. lol"

What the f*ck!?!

Even my own WIFE does it now! I swear, the first time she did it, I think I felt like that woman who realized that Donald Sutherland was now a pod person too at the end of that Body Snatchers remake in the 70's. NOT YOU TOO!! OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Can't we PLEASE stick to our guns for just a moment?

In response, I've created my own acronym. It replaces the cursory "lol" that gets thrown around so fast:

MABNLOL.

See, if someone says something slightly pleasant or amusing, but not nearly funny enough to make me laugh out loud, I type "MABNLOL".

Mildly Amused But Not Laughing Out Loud.

Of course, people now have to ask me what I mean, and I have to explain. So it does take a bit longer.

However, I like to think that it will pay off eventually.

MABNLOL.

I wonder if I can get a trademark on that?

Strapped for... time? Cash? no... Style!

2008-12-31T16:18:00.002-04:00

(Heck, figured I better get one more in before the year ends...)

So this morning I hop out of bed, throw on some clothes and venture to the grocery store to grab a few things before family arrives for New Year's Eve.

I was half way there before I saw the problem.

Now, you've heard of "hat head"? When people leave a hat on for a long time, and their hair ends up shaped like the hat? I don't have that problem.

My problem is even worse.

"Strap head".

Now, see, I mentioned a while back that I have a nifty little machine that helps me sleep better, and also saves me from being kicked repeatedly. However, this does require that I have a hose attached to my schnozz, which needs be secured by... straps. A kind of neoprene thingy.

The problem is that most people have HAIR between these straps and their head. Not me. SO... if I sleep the same way too long, the old straps do a good job of painting a pretty picture on my head. Kind of like a topographical map.

Generally, when I get 'strap head', I try to stay out of sight for a while. TODAY, however, I did the quick "Oh crap!" and rubbed my head vigorously... while driving the car of course.

Only when I arrived did I remember my handy BlackBerry toque in my pocket which could be used to conceal the evidence.

Whew. Disaster averted.

Although, in hindsight, I could have rebuffed any odd looks by saying that I was rehearsing for my role in the local production of "Pulp Fiction": I'm the guy who comes out when they say, "bring out the gimp".

Happy new year!

Please Put Me into a Medically Induced Coma Until After the Election...

2008-09-08T22:50:00.003-03:00

Yes. Canadians rejoice. We're having another federal election.

God, please take me now. So I don't have to watch all the nimrods suddenly jockeying for position and trying to curry favour.

Oh, and I can't quite figure this part out:

This man is the Prime Minister of the country.

So, statistically, by this point in my life I should have been able to meet or speak to someone who actually LIKES this man.

But I haven't.

Oh, and apparently the smart money says that he will be Prime Minister *after* the election too.

Ugh.

It's pretty bad when I start looking at pictures of Brian Mulroney and thinking that, by comparison, those were the "good old days".

I'm putting my head under the pillow. Somebody wake me in November, ok?

I Think It Was Better Than I Thought It Was

2008-08-30T19:45:00.004-03:00

August 30th. I declare the summer movie season to be over.

The summer laid out pretty much how I expected when I planned out my summer movie viewing back in April.

Dark Knight, Iron Man, Hellboy, Indiana Jones... loved them all. Sex in the City was good, so was Hulk, and Kung Fu Panda was good too. (Didn't manage to see Get Smart somehow)

However, there was one notable exception.

Prince Caspian.

I wasn't happy with it at all. I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as the first Narnia movie. Choppy, unclear, and not a good interpretation of the book either.

However, I think I have to change my tune.

It all happened a few weeks ago, when my little guy and I started playing the Prince Caspian game on our Wii.

Every few levels we progressed, we would be rewarded by a cut scene directly from the movie.

I found myself saying things like, "Huh?" "When did this happen?" "They snuck into the castle and there was a big battle?" and such. On and on it went.

It turns out that I must have slept through at least half the movie. I *do* remember being a little dozy at one point, but it seems that it went a little further than that.

And, based on the cut scenes I've been seeing in the video game, it was a pretty good movie after all.

I wonder when it comes out on DVD?

Because now I can't wait to see it.

Blinky, meet.... Chompy

2008-08-19T12:04:00.003-03:00

Shades of "The Simpsons":

Remember Blinky, the three-eyed fish that was found in the water by the nuclear power plant?

Well.. meet Chompy:

Unfortunately, he's a real fish with two mouths. And I don't think he's a shining example of natural evolution.

More on it on the CBC website here:

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/edmonton/story/2008/08/18/chip-fish.html

Ugh. This can't be good.

Taking the Phrase "Well Travelled" to Great Lengths...

2008-08-16T19:34:00.003-03:00

Look at this video and tell me you're not jealous of this guy. Not his dancing skills, but his... well, just watch the video and see what I mean.

You can see more at www.wherethehellismatt.com

Oof.

2008-08-12T20:21:00.004-03:00

Here's a picture from the family archives. It's not too dusty, it was only taken about a month ago.

I call it:

"The exact moment when my little nephew decides that Dodgeball maybe isn't the sport for him"

Not exactly a shot for the Sports Hall of Fame or anything, but compelling nonetheless.

Oof.

Grooming Disasters Averted Worldwide

2008-08-10T10:15:00.003-03:00

You know, I've had a beard for... um, a long time. And it's been cut down to a goatee since... um, around 2000 I think.

So I've had my share of grooming upsets. Occasionally I've trimmed something a little too close with the clippers, and had to run a little lopsided for a few days or weeks. In fact, back when I grew actual hair on the sides of my head, I even had a triangular chunk shaved off it (I knew there was a problem when my wife said, "Ooops!") which I had to walk around with for two weeks.

So my point is that grooming incidents can happen to even the most competent of us.

NOW, miracle technology has been developed so that even a total moron can grow a goatee.

Please consider, for your viewing pleasure, the Goatee Saver:

Isn't that charming?

I'll save you reading the manual: Hold it in your teeth and shave around it.

So now, if you know a total moron who can't normally walk and chew gum, who is nevertheless sporting a totally symmetrical goatee, you can smile and say to yourself, "Goatee Saver."

Times Were Tough In the Old West... Last Weekend

2008-07-22T23:23:00.003-03:00

Yes siree, times were tough back in the old West. Or at least, in the old west last weekend, when we took a new old time family picture on our trip to PEI.

I'm still not sure which I'm more concerned about: the 11-year old girl dressed in a skimpy dress with a drink in her hand, or the 7 and 11 year old boys brandishing firearms. And all of them quite pleased with themselves, to boot!

Oh well, at least I've got the badge and the biggest gun.

Technology from the Stone Age

2008-07-01T09:44:00.003-03:00

This post is courtesy of my parents. Who NEVER throw anything out.

I present, for your viewing pleasure, before it becomes a permanent fixture in the Smithsonian...

My first computer "modem":

A rotary dial telephone emblazoned with the "Commodore" logo.

How awesome is that?

This came with my Commodore 64 computer. And yes, it did work. It would plug into the computer, and I would *literally* dial-up to a local BBS (bulletin board service) or to the ultimate online system, COMPUSERVE. Man, I could get a movie review, or a sports score, all in text format of course.

I'm pretty spoiled by this whole new-fangled "internet" thing, but I must say, that old stuff was pretty cool at the time.

Oh My.

2008-06-22T22:15:00.004-03:00

Yesterday was fun. Took the kiddies up to their school fair. Nice day, lots of fun.

However.

One of the 'inflatable' attractions caught my attention.

It was some kind of a long submarine or something, that the kids enter at one end, bounce around and such, and exit at the other end.

I was at the end, considering trying to get a picture of a very fast moving target as he exits the attraction. Didn't get that picture, but took a picture of the 'exit' anyway.

Take a look at this.

I'm thinking the picture speaks for itself, but I need to be sure.

It's not just me, right?

Right??

*************************************************

(If you have any good ideas for a name for this ride, post it in the comments. Somehow I think "The Huge Blue Schong" is a little too on-the-nose...)

The "EXICTMENT" Continues To Build...

2008-06-03T18:08:00.006-03:00

I've always been a stickler for spelling, proofreading, and related activities.

Yes, I KNOW that many of you are not. Sorry.

However, even those of you who favour 'creative' spelling would probably agree:

Shouldn't you proofread marketing campaign advertisements BEFORE putting them on bus shelters, billboards and the like? ESPECIALLY if the word with the typo is designed to be one of the most prominent words in the ad?

Behold what I discovered this weekend while humping cake and presents in and out of the local sports facility for a kids' party:

I just *had* to take a picture.

And I'm sure that the Head Shoppe people were very "exicted" to see their advertising dollars at work.

Unless they didn't notice. Yet.

SeXX in the Theatre

2008-05-31T20:45:00.004-03:00

I watched "Sex in the City" last night. With three other guys.

No, I didn't go to the movie *with* three other guys...

I went with my wife.

There were three other guys IN the theatre, though. Let's just call it a major testosterone shortage.

Truthfully, though, I enjoyed the movie. We did watch the whole series years ago, so it was just like a long-awaited extra-long episode. If I had never watched the show, I'm sure I would have been sitting there saying, "WTF?"

So yes, I give it a thumbs up. But I think they should have named it "SeXX in the City", though.

In honour of the chromosome thing.

Important Notice to Producers of Consumer Products

2008-05-25T14:23:00.003-03:00

Dear producers of consumer products:

Please be aware that you dramatically increase the likelihood of me purchasing your product, no matter *what* it may be, by slapping a picture of Batman on it.

That is all.

What's Next? "Harry Potter and the Raiders of the Lost Ark"??

2008-05-22T21:09:00.003-03:00

Hopefully I'm going to see the new Indiana Jones movie this weekend.

The kids are giving me some grief, as we still haven't seen "Prince Caspian". Little ingrates.

Maybe I should just stay home and read this book I saw for sale at the grocery store...

It's a heartwarming tale about a university professor who moonlights as a treasure hunter, who discovers that his long-dead parents were members of a magical community that he suddenly finds himself a part of. He gets caught up for in the quest for a mystical artifact that is also being pursued by an evil wizard who...

Ah, I better not spoil the plot. In case you want to read it yourself.

Sounds like it could be interesting, though...

Just Hope It Doesn't Rain...

2008-05-13T20:52:00.007-03:00

This guy just kills me. Look at these sidewalk chalk drawings:

Just LOOK. His ability to force perspective is mind boggling. These are just drawings on the ground!!

Now, I admit I'm repeating myself, because I did blog about this same artist back in April two years ago, but I just happened by his website again, and he's done a lot more cool pieces since then. And how many of you were actually reading my blog back then anyway?

So here's his website again: http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/

You don't have to thank me. That's what I'm here for.

"Iron Man" Totally Smelted Me

2008-05-06T17:08:00.005-03:00

Question of the day:

When a woman is driving a huge honkin' pickup truck...

what is SHE trying to compensate for?

(If it's a *man*, I know... but a woman baffles me a bit)

...

Ok, back on topic.

"Iron Man".

Wow.

I must say, for the first summer movie out of the gate, it has certainly set the bar high for all the others.

Really enjoyed it. Kids enjoyed it too... with slight clarification. The BOYS, ages 7, 11, and 16, *loved* it. The GIRL, the 11-year-old one, admitted to me that she came to the movie strictly for the treats. However, when pressed, she conceded that she at least gives it a 7 out of 10. (My dear wife opted to stay home in a quiet house. Go figure.)

So go see it.

Oh, if you're even 0.01% comic geek, wait until the end of the credits for a final scene. Yes, they're about ten minutes long. And the scene is about 45 seconds long. Just do it anyway.

1989 All Over Again

2008-05-01T17:24:00.002-03:00

This is too cool.

I may have mentioned before how stoked I am for the new Batman movie this summer.

I was equally as stoked, or perhaps even a little bit more, back in 1989 when the first Tim Burton Batman movie came out.

Somebody took the trailer for the new movie, and overlaid it with a somewhat edited version of the old Batman movie trailer. And it's too cool for words.

Check this out.

Another Lost Opportunity to Mess Up my Kids

2008-04-30T14:06:00.003-03:00

So this newest "Grand Theft Auto" video game came out this week.

I've been reading how it polarizes people with it's street-level violence and such. However, I've never played any of the previous games, so I don't have a real feel for it, at least from a first-hand point of view.

One of my co-workers is an avid gamer, though, and he picked up the new game already. I asked him what it's like, and he told me this:

"It's great if you're into beating up hookers."

Ooh! Do they have a version for the Wii coming out? I'm sure my six year old would *love* this!

Or maybe we'll just stick to Mario Kart. That Bowser is nasty enough for me.

My Favourite Swear Word

2008-04-26T10:49:00.003-03:00

I don't like to use bad words. I think they are totally inappropriate and a sign of a...

Ah, who am I kidding. I swear like a longshoreman. I still have the ability to totally mortify my mother.

Now, I'm not completely condoning the use of swear words. For instance, I discourage my children from using them. I just find that they add a nice level of emphasis to my speech when I'm trying to express a certain point of view.

Let's talk about my favourite swear word:

Clusterf*ck.

It's really something, isn't it? It's the kind of word that doesn't require a lot of explanation.

Let's say, you were in a situation, maybe an event of some kind, that was terribly disorganized. You found it frustrating and disheartening to the extreme. How do you most efficiently put that impression forth to an interested third party?

Should the person ask you, "How was the so-and-so?", you simply respond:

"It was a total clusterf*ck."

Case closed. No further clarification necessary.

One thing to bear in mind, however, and this is directed to those of you who are just learning to swear, you need to be careful not to overuse swear words. Sometimes even I realize I need to pull back a bit, usually after saying something like, "Please pass the f*cking potatoes". No more so does this rule hold true than with 'clusterf*ck'.

So, hold 'clusterf*ck' like a precious gem in your verbal repertoire. Save it for that perfect moment...

And then let it rip.

It Ain't Easy Being Green... Even with Stretch Denim

2008-04-22T16:05:00.007-03:00

I forgot one.

When I talked about all the movies that are going to make my summer so rich and full, I forgot "The Incredible Hulk".

Check out the poster:

Not bad, eh? Now Ed Norton can change into *another* cool character! (Didn't see "Fight Club?" Then this won't make sense to you.)

However, there is one tiny problem... his pants aren't purple. We uber comic geeks hate stuff like that. Hulk's torn pants should always be purple. And none of this 'stretch denim' stuff. Sadly, that means that poor Bruce Banner would have had to wear purple pants every day of his life. Where would you even *find* purple pants? Since they're so offensive and all. Oh well, that's a question for the philosophers.

Oh, I almost forgot the COOLEST part. I suppose it could be considered a "spoiler", but I know none of you care. You know how there's also the "Iron Man" movie coming out... with Robert Downey Jr.?? Well, it turns out that Robert Downey Jr. is also playing a cameo in the Hulk movie! In character! (But not wearing the cool Iron Man suit, I don't think). How cool is that??

The geek strings in my heart just went 'zing' a little when I heard that. Gives me a good feeling for the future. Hulk smash puny Iron Man, and stuff like that.

The Miracle of Life for Only a Dollar

2008-04-21T13:37:00.005-03:00

I will freely admit that I frequent the dollar store.

It's great for grabbing some low-cost items that are going to be used and disposed of fairly quickly. If I need birthday party favours, or craft items for a Beavers meeting, a quick trip to the dollar store will do the trick. In fact, I recently found a neat little plastic faux-BlackBerry that makes funny noises. I've been carrying it around in my pocket at work all day today!

In fact, I do notice that dollar stores now carry a LOT more items than I would have expected. Lots of household items are available in dollar store versions, and many of them will serve the same purchase as a more expensive version from some other place.

However, over the weekend, I saw something that actually made me stop and go back to look again. In fact, I even took a picture. (After I waited until nobody was watching, of course. Don't want people to think I'm a weirdo...)

Take a look at what you can get at the dollar store now:

A Home Pregnancy Test!!!

Isn't that nuts?

You know, though, now that I think about it... perhaps this will dovetail with some of my other regular uses for dollar store items. My younger daughter turns 11 next week. With the way that society is going these days, perhaps I should buy a bunch of these for the upcoming birthday party to put in her friends' treat bags!

OK, well maybe that's a little over the top. But you know, I'd sure like to be a fly on the wall in some of the houses when they brought THOSE home! (Of course, that would probably help cut down on future birthday party expenses... since they'd all be banned from my home after that!)

Maybe I'll go back and buy a bunch. I don't really have any need for them (I finally figured out what was making that 'pregnancy' thing happen) but I can't resist a deal!

If anyone needs one, please let me know. Or else I might end up using them to stir my mixed drinks! (Kind of like the "forget-me-shot" that Moe made up for Homer a few months ago)

Just Tase It

2008-04-18T23:28:00.002-03:00

Yeah, I know there are lots of concerns about tasers these days. Being abused, misused, blah blah blah.

I think they should get their act together. What we really need is a Personal Home Taser. PHT. It could have a catchy advertisement campaign:

"Problem with the kids? Just tase it! Neighbours giving you guff? Just tase it! For all of your irritations in life.... Just tase it!"

Man, think of all the family situations that you could make better with a Personal Home Taser.

"Daaaad!!! He keeps kicking me!!"
"I am not!"
"Yes you are! You're doing it now!"
"Well you shouldn't have sat in my spot!"
"You got up!"
"I just had to go to the bathroom!"
"Yeah, well, you should have....."
BZZORRNKKK!! BZZORRRNNGKKKK!! Aaaah.

Or even:

"I'm not eating this! We had this last week! How come you never make anything good! Why can't you..."
BZZORRRRNNGGKKKK!

In fact, you could use the PHT in every room in the house:

"Honey, are you awake?"
"Oh, God. Don't even *think* about it. I've got such a splitting headache that I could..."
BBBBZZZZZOOOOORRRRRRNNNNGGGGKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Yeah, well, at least it would be cool if you could overlook all those pesky human rights issues.

Why are the neatest gadgets always imaginary?

Oooh... I'm a Cybernetic Killing Machine. Fear me!!

2008-04-15T15:24:00.005-03:00

Look at this:

Neat, eh? I got it at http://cyborg.namedecoder.com. It's pretty cool.

In fact, I'm also a slobbering depraved monster, as well:

... courtesy of http://monster.namedecoder.com!!

There's also one more site in this family... http://sexy.namedecoder.com ... but you can do that one *yourself*.

Horton Hears a "ZZZZZZZ"

2008-04-14T00:05:00.005-03:00

This isn't one of my normal quick movie commentaries.

See, I took the kids to "Horton Hears a Who" this evening.

I won't comment on the quality or the entertainment value of the film itself. I do have two things to say, however:

1) My kids reported that they liked it. My 6-year-old says it's the third best movie he's ever seen. (However, his judgment is a little suspect, as he says something like that about just about EVERY movie he's seen... though something must be said for being easy to please.)

and

2) I had a HELL of a good nap. Well worth the ten or eleven bucks it cost me.

So we're all happy. In fact, we'll probably pick it up when it comes out on video.

Because I'm looking forward to another nap like that.

Supper Time on Galactica

2008-04-11T07:59:00.003-03:00

Soup's on. Come on now, everyone, sit at this long table. Oh wait, no, just sit on that one side. That's it. And strike a pose.

Now that Battlestar Galactica is FINALLY back on (don't even get me started about 24), they must have been pretty hungry.

Here they are chowing down:

Oh, wait. There's no food. That must be why they look so agitated.

There are other 'last supper' homages out there... I should look for them. This could be the first in a series!! We'll see if my attention span holds out that long.

******************************

(Question for people who actually watch the show: How many Cylons are in this picture? Hee hee. Trick question.)

I am... McLovin.

2008-04-09T17:43:00.002-03:00

Words can't describe how much I love this.

Make your own at www.mclovinidmaker.com

Now I wanna go meet up with some cops and help shoot up and burn their car. (p.s. If you haven't seen "Superbad"... go watch it. But don't watch it with your mother. Like my poor permanently emotionally scarred teenage son did.)

My Plans for the Summer are Complete

2008-04-09T07:54:00.003-03:00

Looking forward, I can see that I'm going to me spending the entire summer with old and new acquaintances. It promises to be enjoyable yet busy, and thoroughly stimulating.

Between Iron Man, Indiana Jones, Prince Caspian, Hellboy, Carrie Bradshaw, Maxwell Smart, and Batman... the days will be just packed!!!

(Oh, right... my wife's father is getting married too. Big family thing. I hope I have a free weekend to squeeze that in... we'll have to see about that one.)

It's Time for the Truth to be Known

2008-04-06T09:36:00.000-03:00

Well, here I am.

I know it's been a long time.

At first, I tried to think that I just didn't feel like blogging. But that wasn't it.

The thing was, blogging simply started to become more difficult. See, a few years ago, I could blog at will. In fact, even immediately after blogging, I would be ready to blog again without even needing to rest. It was pretty sweet.

Recently, however, I still WANTED to blog, but when the time came to actually DO it, it just wasn't happening the way it used to. I think, unconsciously, I was avoiding blogging altogether, for fear of not being able to... you know. Perform.

Now, though, I'm facing my condition. I have a common problem. It's a rampant issue, though shrouded in silence. It can affect all bloggers from time to time, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I have BD.

Blogrectile dysfunction.

It has a name. And now I know I'm not alone.

In fact, now that I've stood up and faced my problem, I feel better already. See, often BD has a large psychological component. And now that I'm back in the driver's seat, with the keyboard at my fingertips, I feel my internet potency returning to me.

Yeah, baby. That's the ticket.

Now I'm sure I'll have setbacks from time to time. Maybe once in a while I'll still be a little worried about what will happen when the next time to post comes along... but with the support of my friends, family, and internet supporters, I know I can lick it.

Stay tuned.

***************************************
(Of course, I couldn't have come this far if not for the efforts of the International Center for the Study and Treatment of Blogrectile Dysfunction in Amsterdam. Here is a picture of their headquarters:

Inspiring, isn't it? Just looking at it makes me want to blog.

You're Bloody Well Write

2007-11-17T17:01:00.000-04:00

OK, first, Happy 4th Anniversary Kidney Day to me and my kidney girl. And also to her brother, who, by some freakish quirk of nature, is getting a new kidney today in California (sadly, he was sick long before SHE was, and has been waiting for a kidney all this time).

Where was I?

Oh, right, I hadn't started yet.

Anyway, you might know that entertainment writers are on strike. Which has only pissed me off because it means that 24 won't be starting in January like originally scheduled. Other than that, I figured they could work it out themselves.

However, since all best lessons are learned from comedy, I got a better feeling about the striking writers' side of things from these two YouTube videos, produced by the writers of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (which coincidentally is where I typically get all my information about US events).

So, anyway, they're pretty funny. They're also pretty much all the new funny stuff you'll see anywhere for a while.

Enjoy. If you like this sort of thing.

He's His Father's Son All Right...

2007-11-03T01:14:00.000-03:00

Look at this:

OK, actually, when I say "he's his father's son all right" I *could* be talking about *any* of the three boys, including:

-The one who's too old to go out trick or treating, but NOT too old to dress up, sit on a chair outside, pretend to be a dummy, and then scare the CRAP out of some of the trick or treaters...

-Or the one who dresses up like a nerd for Halloween, and thinks the height of nerd humour is to make sure that the tail of his shirt sticks out his fly...

No.

I'm referring, this time, to the little one.

The purist.

See, he's out trick or treating like a kid possessed on this given night. But that doesn't stop him from making sure that people understand the fine distinctions in pop culture.

He knocks on the door of one of our neighbours. The man looks at him and says, "Hey, Spidey!" in a very friendly manner.

The kid, without missing a beat, deadpans, "BLACK Spidey."

The man gives him candy anyway.

That's my boy.

Lumos!

2007-10-29T23:42:00.000-03:00

Here's a neat picture I took a few days ago. My ten year old daughter gave her brothers two sparklers she got in a birthday treat bag.

They were suitably impressed.

I turned off my flash, and got a picture that surprised me with how cool it came out.

Pretty neat, eh?

Kind of makes me want to go out and buy more. ;)

"Lucky" Seven? Not very likely for Jack Bauer...

2007-10-27T12:51:00.000-03:00

I love this time of year.

The time of year when I realize that 24 is reasonably close to coming back.

And they released a trailer!

(24 fans: just be aware there's a pretty big spoiler in the trailer... but since they're using it as a marketing tool, you might as well give in now and watch!)

My "Going To Prison" Newspaper Shot

2007-10-24T00:31:00.000-03:00

Yeah, ok, it's been a long time. Clearly this job just doesn't pay enough.

However, I was stirred out of my lethargy to share with you a flash of the future.

As you know, usually I am amazingly photogenic. HOWEVER, today was the exception that proves the rule.

I ventured to my local Wal-Mart to have a new passport photo taken. My dear wife's dear sister is going to be married in a tropical location. Yay! (And by "Yay!", I mean, "WOO HOO MY WIFE AND I ARE GOING ON A MINI VACATION IN DECEMBER")

But I digress. Ah, yes, passport photo.

I knew there'd be a problem when she said, "Take off your glasses."

Take off my glasses? I didn't have to do that for the LAST passport photo! So immediately I'm off kilter. See, I like to downplay the resemblance to Homer Simpson.

She takes the photo. I don't smile. I TRY to look pleasant. It doesn't work. I look more like I'm trying to put a good face on a rectal exam.

You know how when somebody gets arrested they always manage to find a photo of the person that puts them in the worst possible light? Well, I think we've found a winner.

THIS is the photo they will use if I ever get arrested:

I can see the headlines now:

"LOCAL PERVERT COLLARED IN AIRPORT MEN'S ROOM"

or

"RETIREMENT HOME FLASHER FINALLY NABBED"

or something like that.

....

I just home I make it to Saint Lucia in December before it happens.

Darth Stewie

2007-09-13T13:28:00.001-03:00

I really don't think there's anything I need to add to this picture. Is there?

Other than, "I expect I'll be watching the September 23rd episode of Family Guy". (Of course, I would have been watching it *anyway*, but I digress...)

Clothing Conundrum

2007-09-08T20:53:00.000-03:00

A guy's butt gave me an epiphany the other day.

And no, it's not the one you're thinking of. Pervert.

Where was I? Oh, right. Epiphany.

I was at work. (I do tech support for a large Canadian IT company. I work with lots of people, the vast majority of which are younger than me.) As I walk down the hall, I pass a new employee standing at his desk. It's not what he was doing that caught my eye so much as what he was wearing. He had a ball cap and jeans on.

Shocking, right?

Ok, that's not shocking. It's actually pretty normal. It was HOW he was wearing them. The ball cap was turned totally sideways (I suppose to protect his right ear from the potentially harmful fluorescent light) and his pants were totally hanging down way past his butt.

Wow, I thought. The styles that I associated with teenagers have now progressed to people in their twenties who have actual professional jobs and all.

Which made me realize that the styles we wear age with the people who wear them. The clothes that I always thought of as "old people clothes" are the clothes that were popular back when the old folks were young folks!

That means... when I'm really old and still wearing jeans, t-shirts and sneakers... that young people will look at ME wearing MY "old people clothes"!!

And... fifteen or twenty years after THAT, the old folks homes will be filled with geezers wearing ball caps sideways and jeans that don't cover their asses!! (Which at least will be helpful to the employees on 'bathroom duty'...)

But, thankfully, I'll be dead by then.

*****************************************
(Note to my kids:
At my funeral, please make sure that my jeans cover my butt. Thanks.)

The Ultimate Grudge Match: 1987 vs. 2007

2007-08-25T15:22:00.000-03:00

My wife and I reached a milestone this past Wednesday. Twenty years married. And both still alive, and relatively undamaged, at that! It makes me wonder, however, if we're better off now, or in 1987. Let's do a quick comparison of August 22nd, 1987, and August 22nd, 2007:

AGE:

1987: Young.
2007: Old.

Winner: 1987.

CLOTHING:

1987: Beautiful but impractical wedding gown, and not-terribly-manly all-white tux.
2007: Casual comfortable clothes.

Winner: 2007

HAIR:

1987: My wife's, curled and lovely. Mine, poofy and already thinning at 21.
2007: My wife's, under a hat but as nice as always, mine, missing in action.

Winner: Um, let's call that one a draw.

LOCATION:

1987: Church. In Sydney.
2007: Open water near Peggy's Cove.

Winner: 2007. With apologies to God.

FAMILY:

1987: No kids. Whew.
2007: Five kids. But not with us at the time! (That scores bonus points)

Winner: 2007 (even not considering the 'missing kids' bonus points)

ACTIVITIES:

1987: Marrying, dancing and partying. But also lots of stress, jitters, and sweating.
2007: Kayaking. Totally stress free and amazing.

Winner: Ooh... tough one. However, as nice as 2007 was, I better give the edge to 1987 for the 'wedding' thing.

And the grand winner is... with a slight edge.... 2007!

Yay. I always knew we were better off.

Congratulations to the present. Past, you had your time, and it was pretty good, but you know your place now. Behind us.

That's all for our first double-decade challenge. Check back in 2027 for the next round!

Who's Watching the Watchmen? Well... me, hopefully...

2007-08-17T08:31:00.000-03:00

It looks like it's actually happening.

Back in 1987 I was blown away by the 12-issue comic book series called "Watchmen." It remains a classic graphic novel, and my hardcover collection still gets pulled from my bookshelf regularly. I even have a paperback version I lend out to people.

For twenty years, people have tried to make it into a movie, and the plans would always crash somewhere into the process.

This time, it looks like they're actually going to make it.

www.watchmenmovie.com

It's going to be like Harry Potter movies, I expect, in the sense that in no WAY will they be able to put all the details in. But hopefully they'll keep the spirit.

Man, I'm so pumped.

(Man, I'm such a geek...)

Blame It on the Dream Police

2007-08-03T20:41:00.000-03:00

Well, this explains a lot.

Like why I ALWAYS fall asleep in movie theatres. Or at our friends' house sitting on their couch after a nice meal.

I just figured it was a result of the 'five kids' lifestyle.

Turns out it was the Dream Police.

The Dream Police, they live inside of my head/ The Dream Police, they come to me in my bed/ The Dream Police, they come into my sleep, oh no...

Also, I never realized that Cheap Trick was so far ahead of their time. See, back in 1979, back when I played that song repeatedly, I didn't realize that the whole thing was a clever allegory for Sleep Apnea.

Which, it turns out, I have. Of the severe variety, in fact.

So what does this mean for me?

Well, let's just say that I'm starting a treatment that hopefully will lead to me feeling more rested, will spare my sweet wife the snoring she's endured for the last ten years, and will reduce my potential for high blood pressure and heart problems.

However, I think a side effect might be me coming out with things like:

"The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now *I* am the master."

and

"Luke... I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true..."

I'll just have to trust the Force.

Forced air pressure, to be specific. Bwa-ha-haaa.

A Microscopic Piece of Spidey Movie History...

2007-07-29T10:58:00.000-03:00

And to think I almost forgot about this...

Months ago, there was some promotiion for the Spider-Man 3 movie where they invited fans to send in photos to be used as a photo mosaic.

So I did.

Then I totally forgot about it.

Until a couple of days ago.

So I did a Google search for "Spider-Man 3 Photo mosaic" and came up with a link for www.spider-man3photos.com.

Then I searched for "Robin" in the 'search within' section... and what was the first thing that came up? The picture I submitted! It's not actually me. It's my little guy and his friend Paige. And they're totally disguised... but I know it's them!

There's actually a ton of them all around that area of the picture.... here's the full picture and a close up of some of the details:

So now my kid is a part of Spider-Man history.

A *microscopically small* piece, I'll grant you, but still cool.

******************************************************************

Here's a link directly to one of the coordinates, if you want to browse around:
http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/spiderman3/mosaic/index.php?c=625&r=198

Whatever Floats my Boat

2007-07-25T22:21:00.000-03:00

Who the heck needs a week long vacation in the tropics...

... when you can have an amazing day trip in your own back yard?

Yesterday my wife and I, along with our friends Kim and Ken, took a guided day trip kayaking along the coast of Nova Scotia, in and around all sorts of little islands, coves, inlets, and other beautiful natural features with lots of names that I don't really know. WhatEVER you call them, they were all awesome.

We started off at 10am in the fog, stopped on an island for lunch, and eventually made it back around 4pm.

Check out these pictures:

The pictures just don't do the day justice. Trust me.

Oh, I wanted to add this final picture, and because it was so special, I wanted to give it a name:

It's called:

"Ken, I'm a little curious WHY you took a picture of my ASS"

But perhaps some questions are just better left unasked.

Whatever floats your boat.

Or, kayak. As it were.

Key Bored

2007-07-23T21:19:00.000-03:00

I just solved the mystery that popped up shortly after I solved the mystery.

And someone's going to pay.

The problem is pretty boring... our family computer's been malfunctioning on and off for a few months... sometimes, at the Windows login screen, none of us could type our passwords. It would require going into a profile with no password, and then going out again, or else restarting the computer.

I solved it a few weeks ago. Simple. Replaced the keyboard. Don't know why I didn't think of it earlier.

Then... it started happening again. With the *next* keyboard.

To the extent that I couldn't type in CERTAIN keys. Which was similar, but different. Was it the same problem? Was it the computer after all? How could ANOTHER keyboard need to be replaced?

I lifted the keyboard, considering unplugging it.

Sploosh.

...

Sploosh?

Yes.

Sploosh.

That's the sound of liquid splashing on your pants.

The liquid that came pouring out of my keyboard. Not dripping. POURING.

I couldn't recognize the liquid. It's a biy sticky. The smell wasn't familiar. It was kind of a dirty colour.

The only thing that I *DO* know...

... is that someone very close to me is aware that this liquid entered the keyboard. In massive quantities, at that. And didn't choose to mention it to the family computer technician.

I feel an Andy Sipowicz style interrogation coming on.

A Magical Confluence of Events...

2007-07-23T00:31:00.000-03:00

...Or else, just call it a lucky coincidence.

And by that I mean, the *exact* day when all five children are leaving the house for almost a week (the four oldest heading to camp either to attend or to lead, the youngest off on a vacation of his own to his grandparents' house) is also the *same* day that the final Harry Potter book is released.

Oh, and did I mention that we pre-ordered *two* copies? Let's do the math for a moment. TWO copies of the book, and TWO people home to read it. Throw in a bottle of Kahlua and a take out pizza, and it makes for a supremely long and enjoyable evening.

Now, it *did* take me twenty-five hours to finish the book, but bear in mind that I worked for eight of those and slept for six more, so that's not too bad, all things considered.

Oh, and the book itself was terribly enjoyable. I'll revisit it again at more leisurely pace when I read it to the kiddies over the next month or so.

Just at a slower and less magical pace.

I'm Having a Cow, Man!!!....

2007-07-06T00:30:00.000-03:00

... when I see what I'd look like if I moved to Springfield!

Here I am, as a Simpsons character:

Pretty nasty, eh? And check out that goatee. Time to pull out the weed whacker.

If you want to make yourself as a Simpsons character, go to The Simpsons movie website, and head for the "create your own Simpsons avatar" link.

D'OHHHH!!!!!

Ooh, Baby, That's One Tough Cop

2007-06-29T15:00:00.000-03:00

I've always liked cop shows. NYPD Blue is my all-time favourite.

And I've seen lots of tough cops.

But never like this.

Prepare yourself for....

GOOD COP, BABY COP.

(Trust me, it's worth the four minutes of your life you'll spend watching it. Or eight, if you watch it twice.)

Good Cop, Baby Cop

(If you can't see the video in this post, here's a link: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/33f2687080)

It's from the Funny or Die website.

Simply Irresistible

2007-06-28T21:34:00.001-03:00

Today's one of those days where time fools me a bit.

My oldest daughter graduated from high school today.

How did we go from this...

to THIS...

... so quickly?

I'm not the type to get sentimental very often, but that picture of us dancing together (at her prom a couple weeks ago) makes me remember when we *used* to dance together.

When she was a baby I'd fold her up in my arms, crank up the stereo, and twirl and dance her around and around the room. It was SO much fun.

The song I'd always play was "Simply Irresistible" by Robert Palmer.

In fact, some of the lyrics from that song have even more meaning to me *now* than they did back in 1989. Such as:

She's so fine/
There's no telling where the money went/

:)

Couldn't resist that one.

However, sarcastic or not, I'm very proud of my little girl today.

Happy graduation honey.

I love you.

How Come Nobody Told Me About This Earlier?

2007-06-24T16:10:00.000-03:00

Man.

I hope this just came out recently. If it's been out for a long time, then I'm p*ssed off that I didn't start using it earlier!

Log Me In. Specifically, www.logmein.com.

It's just like it sounds. It lets me log in to other computers. Like my wife's laptop, where our entire LIVES are managed in her Outlook calendar. And my parents' computer in Cape Breton, which occasionally needs some familial technical support. Here's what it looks like when you're remotely controlling another machine:

I can log into them remotely from whatever computer I'm at, provided that it has a web browser. (A little LogMeIn client needs to install on each of the machines involved.)

Oh, and it's free. There are pay versions with more fancy features, but the free version suits me just fine.

It's pretty sweet. In fact, in one tab on my Firefox browser, I'm here blogging. On the other tab, I'm installing Java on my parents' computer in Cape Breton.

Life just got a *tiny* bit easier.

Two Great Tastes That Go "Great" Together...

2007-06-14T22:50:00.000-03:00

Remember that tag line? "Two great tastes that go great together"??

It was a commercial for Reese's peanut butter cups.

Chocolate and peanut butter. Now THAT I can agree with.

This next one... I'm not so sure.

So, to set the mood, let me show you one of the thousands of books we have read to our children over the years:

Bread and Jam for Frances. An oldie but a goodie. Cute little story about Frances, who only likes to eat Bread and Jam. Nothing else. (Eventually she starts to appreciate other food too)

I have one of those kids. My ten-year-old daughter. She eats, by my estimation, about enough food to nourish a medium sized bug.

Oh, and she likes to eat... um... nothing. She hates everything. More or less.

Oh, however, just like Frances, she likes jam. On bread. She also likes ham. She doesn't like ham sandwiches so much any more though. She just picks out the ham and leaves the bread.

Here's the kicker though.

Last week, when we were in Sydney for my grandfather's funeral, she was sitting at my parents' table, eating. They ALL eat better in Sydney, because their grandmother practically runs a short order restaurant making them each whatever they want. Works for them. Works for my mother too. Works for me, too, in fact.

But I digress.

She was sitting at the table eating, like I said. So I say to her, "What're you eating?"

"Ham and jam sandwich."

"Pardon me? What??"

"Ham and jam sandwich."

"Ham and jam? Together? In one sandwich?? That's disgusting!!"

"No it isn't."

Anyway, you get the idea. The conversation went downhill from there.

But basically, I chose not to make a big deal out of it. After all, she is eating food she likes.

...

Ham and jam.

Two great tastes that...

um...

... kind of give you the willies.

This Magic Moment...

2007-06-02T10:25:00.000-03:00

Just saw some new Harry Potter movie posters. And I like them so much I'm posting them ALL.

I love the juxtaposition of good guy/bad guy in each image (I also love the word 'juxtaposition' ... hee hee). Take a look:

(Ok, well, I actually found these images a week ago.... which is when I started this post. But then my grandfather passed away, which dictated a quick trip home to Cape Breton, and the week kind of zoomed by... but that's another post in itself)

Ahoy! PIRATE ALERT!!

2007-05-29T20:13:00.000-03:00

Avast, me hearties!

Aaarrgh, me can't be believin' that I been forgettin' to be telling' yar this...

If ye be goin' ter Pirates O' the Caribbean soon, aharr, BE SURE TER BE STAYIN' TO THE BITTER END MATEY, for there be another scene followin' the credits that yer don't want ter be missin', aarrrgh.

If ye've seen the show already and DIN'T stay ter the end, ye landlubber, then ye should be draggin yer scurvy butts back to the theatres to see the REST of the blessed picture!!

Oooh, arrghh, and a-harr!!!

Matey.

Month of May Movie Madness... Finally Finished

2007-05-27T19:04:00.000-03:00

Finally.

It's finished.

The month I had been waiting for, for so long. The month of Spider-Man 3, Shrek 3, and Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

So how did they shape up?

Not exactly as expected.

Here's the wrapup.

Spider-Man 3:

Loved it. Actually saw it three times. Long story. Doesn't matter. Loved it.

Shrek the Third:

It was ok. No more than that. Pretty much played out. Fine for kids, with some funny spots, but doesn't compare with either of the first two.

Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's End:

This is the one that surprised me. It was really good. Better than the last one, which I enjoyed very much. And really, the best of the three movies this month. Even with my obvious bias towards Spider-Man. I'll be seeing it again (particularly since my wife didn't get to see it yet, and I'm pretty sure she wants to). Which will be ok with me.

Now, all that remains for my summer long movie requirements is Harry Potter. In IMAX of course.

p.s. Don't ask me to figure out how much money it cost me for me and all my kids to see these movies. I'm pretty sure it would ruin my good mood.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow... um, Today.

2007-05-26T19:32:00.000-03:00

Today was cool. My fifteen year old, who has had hair so long that it has caused ongoing consternation for both his mother and grandmother, buzzed it all off after three years.

And not only *that*, but he did it in a very cool manner. He raised almost four hundred dollars fundraising for an event called 'Hair for Heroes' which supports families of kids with cancer. As well, his hair was kept to sent to 'Locks of Love' which makes wigs for young cancer sufferers.

Here are some pictures:

Before.

Braiding.

Buzzing.

Bye bye!

Sorry, no jokes in this post. Today, I'm just proud of my kid.

BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

2007-05-16T20:06:00.000-03:00

OK, I admit my wife's a nurse. So technically, I might have slightly stronger hygiene habits than average. But only by a little bit. I'm not uber-hygienic by any stretch of the imagination.

But today, on my way out of town, I had occasion to stop by a public place. The airport. And, as oft happens, the call of nature took me into the washroom there.

Where I saw it again.

The thing that makes me want to go "BLAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Let me ask a simple question. I know how busy people are. Rush rush rush, hurry hurry hurry, late late late. But here's the question:

"IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO WASH YOUR FREAKING HANDS WHEN YOU USE THE WASHROOM?????"

I swear, when I see guys hit the urinal then head straight out the door, it makes me want to run after them and shout: "Everyone! Look out for that guy! He didn't wash his hands! Stay away! And for God's sake, DON'T SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!"

It makes me worry about all the people I encounter who might have done the same thing... only I don't know about it!!! I can see how paranoid people become paranoid. The next time I see someone who greets me by extending his hand to shake, will I say, "Hold on there, mister! When's the last time you handled your johnson?? Uh huh? And did you wash?"

I think maybe I might.

Gack.

Take a Dip in the "Money Pool"

2007-05-16T11:23:00.000-03:00

Sometimes kids come up with words or phrases that you just don't get.

This happened to me on the weekend. We were at the mall, buying even *more* Spider-man toys with the cash the 6-year-old got at his birthday party. He says, "I want to go to the MONEY POOL!!"

The money pool?

The MONEY pool?

The money POOL?

No matter how I spun it around in my head, it wouldn't come to me.

Until it did.

You know where he wanted to go? To the fountain in the centre court area of this mall.

The one that people throw pennies into.

(We didn't actually have any pennies, so we dug a couple out of the money pool just to throw them back in.)

So now you know where to go if a kid wants to hit the money pool.

Misplaced Mother's Day Wishes...

2007-05-13T19:22:00.000-03:00

Happy Mother's Day to:

(1) My very own mother, who still treats me like her little boy;

(2) My wonderful wife, who masterfully produced five amazing kids with very little input from me;

(3) My wife's mother, without whom I wouldn't have had either my wonderful wife or my wonderful kids;

and finally,

(4) My former manager from ten years ago. Without him, I wouldn't have dove into the career change that I....

Oh. Right.

Um... yeah, sorry. I'm afraid that last one doesn't quite apply today. Though I hope you'll forgive my mistake, as you can probably see the similarities.

I'll just have to save that last one for ....

Motherf***er's Day.

Happy Spidey Day!

2007-05-12T09:24:00.000-03:00

Happy Spidey Day to all of you.

What do you mean, "What do you mean, 'happy Spidey day'?"?

Isn't it Spidey day?

Holy crap, you wouldn't have known it from this house yesterday after my little guy's birthday party...

Take a look at this:

Pretty good haul, if I do say so myself. I'm actually hoping to score one of those Spider-Man temporary tattoos if I play my cards right. Oh, and for full disclosure, I forgot to include the Spider-Man t-shirt he got as well.

Good thing his birthday party wasn't a couple of weeks later, or maybe we'd have mixed some Shrek stuff in with the Spidey stuff and totally thrown off the vibe.

Or if the party was even *later*, there might have been lots of Pirates of the Caribbean stuff... which actually wouldn't have been too bad come to think of it... especially since Dad was clearly missing the Spidey groove, by ordering a Pirates cake for the party:

But I must say, it tasted pretty good anyway.

Another Helpful Kitchen Tip

2007-05-01T07:52:00.000-03:00

To put a thin waxy protective coating on every dish you own, simply throw a few birthday candles into your next dishwasher load.

Works like a charm!

(...Unless of course you don't WANT a coating of wax on all your dishes, in which case it's a huge pain in the a$$)

Gas Guzzled

2007-04-28T12:36:00.000-03:00

Hey internet pals:

How's everyone doing? Fine? That's great. Me, I'm pretty good too. Don't get to blog as often with work and life in general, but I'll keep plugging.

What am I doing right now? Not much. Just sitting here in my van. In the parking lot of Tim Horton's. With three kids trying to bug each other to death.

No, I'm just sitting here.

With absolutely no gas. Sorry, the salsa I had last night doesn't help.

But, you say, don't you know when your gas is getting low? Well yes I do. Normally. In fact the light just came on coming home from work last night. So I should be fine.

Oh wait.

I let my daughter take the van last night.

NOW it all makes sense.

I hope I'm able to make friends in prison. When I'm in for murder.

Non-"Simpsons" Fans Can Probably Skip This Post...

2007-04-21T20:12:00.000-03:00

...because it might not make sense if you don't get the reference.

Oh, what the heck, I'll explain it anyway. There was an episode of the Simpsons where Bart wanted a videogame so badly he shoplifted it. And he got caught. And it severely damaged Marge's heart. By the end of the episode, Bart had demonstrated that he actually was sorry for what he did, and his mother bought him a videogame. But she didn't get the one he wanted, which was sold out. Instead, she got the one recommended by the store owner... a 'golf' game called "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge". Bart acted like he loved it anyway.

Now I can tell my story.

So yesterday was my oldest son's fifteenth birthday. We decided to get him a new videogame. The only question was what game to get him. Let's see... should we get him:

the game that he used as the wallpaper on his Windows profile for the last month?
the game he has downloaded and shown me, casually of course, every promotional video clip of?
the game he has talked about, very casually of course, at every possible opportunity???

Perhaps that should be the one.

However, it's no fun to get the game you TOTALLY expect to get, should your parents actually buy you a game for your birthday. Right? At least, there should be a *little* wrinkle.

Fast forward to our family birthday party. It's at seven in the morning, but let's not worry about that now. Anyway, the boy opens a couple of minor presents, such as a paperback book and a dvd. Now comes the payoff. We give him a HUGE gift bag. It's stuffed full of a HUGE birthday themed plastic bag, wrapped around and around and around a video game case. As the boy feels the case deep inside the plastic bag, he purports to be fairly confident that he knows what game it is. "Don't be too sure," I suggest.

He opens the bag and pulls out....

Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

The one I mocked up the night before.

He laughs. Naturally, he gets the joke. The little kids laugh too. Even they get the reference. (See, even my twins have sophisticated enough humour palates to appreciate Simpsons episodes, ergo Simpsons references as well. So it's not just that I'm a bad parent. Really.)

Inside the case is a note indicating that we *do* have one more gift for him. The one he wanted, called Super Paper Mario.

All's well that ends well.

Um, except for one caution to other parents. If your kid is playing a videogame in your living room on a Friday night, especially one that lets him toggle between 2D and 3D mode, DON'T watch him playing the game if you happen to be consuming a little bit of alcohol.

Because it might freak you out a bit.

Wii Make Quite A Foursome, Don't Wii?

2007-04-17T20:17:00.000-03:00

So you know how much we like our Wii.

Remember how I told you about creating a Mii?... well, I guess people like to create ones that look like *other* people, as well as ones that look like themselves!

See, I traded Wii codes with other Wii users (from a site called "Connect Mii") so that other people's Miis would show up and parade around on our machine in our "Mii Parade." (Trust me, it's kind of cool, no matter how dorky it sounds!)

Anyway, when they started showing up in our parade, a few of them had familiar names and faces:

Jack Black.

Harry Potter.

Jesus.

Adolf Hitler.

And even...

Ron Jeremy.

Any of these Mii's that I want to keep, I can drag them out of the Mii Plaza and keep them in my system to use in our own games.

Wouldn't that make quite the tennis foursome? Me and Harry Potter vs. Jesus and Ron Jeremy?

p.s. Oops... my 10-year-old daughter was reading over my shoulder as I typed and was asking me who Ron Jeremy is. I totally didn't answer her, but the correct response should have been, "You will never ever ever know." I just didn't think quickly enough.

p.p.s. And also please forgive the poor quality of the photograph. I'm hoping you'll cut me some slack, especially since I'll be going to hell now.

Generational Litmus Test

2007-04-17T19:05:00.000-03:00

OK, this just occurred to me.

I'm forty-one years old. Just to establish a baseline. No big shock there to regular readers.

My question is,

Is there anyone in the world younger than me who likes Tapioca pudding?

Just wondering. See, I'm afraid that Tapioca pudding will become one of those things that disappears because all the people who liked it died off. Like Brussel Sprouts. (But that one's okay - I *hate* Brussel Sprouts)

Thank you and good day.

Be Careful What You Wish For...

2007-04-10T23:56:00.000-03:00

Today I heard possibly the strangest thing I've ever heard my wife say to one of our children:

"You'd better be puking by 10 o'clock or you'll be in big trouble!"

So now I better explain.

This morning, my nine-year-old daughter woke up saying she had a pain in her tummy. She actually does that quite often. Mostly because she eats about as much as a malnourished mayfly. So generally, I give her a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, she eats at least part of it, and she's good to go.

Today, however, she was insisting that she didn't feel well. She was giving us the face. The 'I don't feel well' face. However, the problem is that kids know how to make the face even when they're NOT not feeling well. Generally we're pretty good at figuring out if a kid is really sick or not.

I was at the point where I wasn't sure if she actually wasn't feeling well, or just didn't want to go to school. My wife told her to go downstairs to visit her grandma, and seemed to be leaning towards letting her stay home from school.

That's when my wife, uncertain about the child's sick/not sick status, plants her tongue firmly in her cheek, and gives the child the line. The 'better be throwing up' line. With a little smile. Meaning, if you stay home from school, you better really *be* sick.

The child pipes up, "But I don't feel like I have to throw up! I just don't feel well!" Ah. A chink in the armour. We send her to school. She doesn't complain.

And she doesn't throw up at 10 am.

Unfortunately, she *does* throw up at 11:30.

At school.

Whoops.

So, be careful what you wish for. It might come true.

BlogBerry

2007-04-07T17:31:00.000-03:00

Bleachers.

Boredom.

Bum bruising.

Blah.

...

...

But...

BlackBerry!!

Blogger!!

BODACIOUS!!!

...

Buh-bye.

Put Your Best Face (Book) On It

2007-04-07T12:24:00.000-03:00

Wow.

I was driving in the car the other day and heard a radio report about people who were spending too much their workday on the internet surfing...

Facebook.

I didn't even know *what* Facebook was before a few weeks back, yet it's already become a phenomenon that is causing workplace problems!!

Now, I'll grant you that it's pretty cool. It started as a tool within universities to allow students and staff to identify and learn a bit about each other. Several months ago it was opened to the public. You can set up your own page with info about yourself, and link to other friends' pages. It sounds pretty "ho-hum, whatever" at first, but it's actually a pretty neat way to connect with friends new and old.

Here's what my page looks like (sanitized to remove all my personally identifiable info to deter my many internet stalkers...)

As you may or may not be able to see in the picture, you can add photos (and 'tag' other people in them) and communicate with your friends in a variety of ways. My blog posts even get imported automatically into it. (Um... which occurs to me that this post will be kind of redundant for people who read it over there. Oh well.)

So give it a try if you haven't already.

Just be sure to put your best face on it.

Dearly Departed

2007-04-06T23:01:00.000-03:00

Well, better late than never.

I finally caught "The Departed" on dvd tonight.

What a good movie. Great story. Total powerhouse lineup of actors too. Actually reminded me a bit of "L.A. Confidential" - which I also loved.

While I won't blow the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, those of you who have seen it might agree that it had a novel way of wrapping up loose ends.

Oh, and I feel a certain kinship with the film for one other reason:

It uses the word "f*ck" or some variation two hundred and thirty-seven times.

Which is about the same as me on an average day. (wink)

Harness the Amazing Power of "P*SSED OFF"

2007-03-30T19:50:00.000-03:00

You know, I never realized this until today.

Did you ever notice that when you're p*ssed off, you can get a lot done?

Take this morning for instance. The last couple of weeks, we've been looking at stuff related to our mortgage which is coming due for renewal, but I was procrastinating pulling the trigger. After a brief early morning conversation with my sweet wife that got my... um... aggressive energy up, I managed to research, decide, and blow off some instructions to the mortgage guy. Bam! Not only that, I barked a few orders to the kids, and they all *listened* to me! They helped with breakfast, got dressed, brushed their hair and teeth, helped to pack lunches for the day, and did it all fast without complaining! (Man, I should get p*ssed off more often!!)

Only then did I look back and examine other times I've been p*ssed off and accomplished things. Did you ever notice how much housework you can do when you're p*ssed off? It's weird. It's much more efficient. Aggressively efficient, even.

In fact, I shaved my head for the first time when I was p*ssed off. Back in 2000 I had spent weeks (maybe even months) pondering shaving my head. Now, truth to tell, it's not like there was a lot of hair by that time to make a difference... but it did to me! Anyway, and the reasons are lost to the vagaries of time, but there I was p*ssed off at something... and then I thought about shaving my head... and I pretty much just said, "F*ck it, I'm shaving my head!!" So I did it, I liked it, and I've been doing it ever since. Even when I've been in a good mood. ;)

So there you have it. The power of being p*ssed off. And now you've been warned:

Don't p*ss me off.

Um... unless there's something you need for me to get done.

I Pity the Fool... Who Knows No "Pity"

2007-03-28T22:57:00.000-03:00

Remember when I was resisting watching Battlestar Galactica due to loyalty to the old 70's show?

Man, I'm glad I started. The other day I saw the third season finale, and it totally blew me off my a$$.

Which reminds me: have I never mentioned Television Without Pity? It's an awesome website that provides detailed, interesting, witty, and humourous reviews of a slew of popular tv shows. Each of these shows also has its own forum where fans blab about it. I've been following the 24 episode reviews for pretty much as long as I've been watching the show.

If you have a show you really love, go to Television Without Pity and read the reviews. If you have time, get into the forums too. You'll probably think it's all pretty cool.

Berry Satisfying

2007-03-26T21:56:00.000-03:00

Well, it's a good thing I think I'm really going to like my job.

Because leaving would have been a problem for everyone. Since they will only get my BlackBerry back by prying it from my cold dead fingers.

Not that it's addictive or anything.

However, I may need to look into getting one of these helmets:

You know, just for safety's sake.

Rise of the ... DEMON CHILD (shudder)

2007-03-24T20:57:00.000-03:00

I've experienced this a few times before, so it didn't have as much of an impact on me as it did on my two teenage children.

That being said, it was still a little freaky.

So.

Last night, my 9-year-old son walks into the living room where I'm up watching tv with the teenagers.

It's pretty late, round about 11:30pm.

Now, this young man has had a habit on some weekends of forcing himself to stay awake late. Not only that-- he, his twin sister, and younger brother were having a 'sleepover' down in their playroom... which increased the likelihood of him being awake at this time of night.

So, when I hear him coming, my first question is a "What's wrong, there, buddy?" kind of thing. Expecting him to want a drink or to tell me he can't get to sleep.

Then I see THE LOOK.

The slack-faced, glassy eyed look of a child whose soul has been sucked from his body and is acting under the control of evil spirits from beyond.

Either that, or a kid who is totally asleep, walking around and talking.

He says something to the effect that I have to help collect some money from his older brother because he brother wouldn't give it to him. Or something like that. Whatever it was, I'm sure it made perfect sense to him at the time.

Without missing a beat, I put my hand on his shoulder and lead him back toward his bed, telling him that we should probably wait until morning to collect that money when we're not so sleepy.

I tuck him in, give him a kiss, and that's it for the night. He doesn't say another word.

When I return to the living room, my 17-year-old daughter points out that this was "the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my life."

I know what she means. However, I actually do find it kind of cool to see someone functioning at a level somewhere below the surface of consciousness.

But it still creeps me out a little.

Now With Even More SUPER...

2007-03-22T22:55:00.000-03:00

Watched "Superman 2 - The Richard Donner Cut" recently.

Holy Crap.

See, I've always loved "Superman 2". And I always managed to overlook the parts I didn't care for:

-the silly "rip the S off the chest and throw it at the bad guy so that it wraps him up in some weird way";

- the "since when do Krypton people shoot weird rays from their fingers?" part;

and especially the "I have no superpowers and my fortress has been destroyed, but suddenly I find a green crystal and all of a sudden I'm super again".

This is what the movie would have looked like if the man who directed the first movie had been able to finish the second (see, he actually shot a significant part of it back when he was making the first) instead of it having been taken over and finished by another director.

Let me just say, if you liked Superman 2 originally, please track down this movie and watch it. It's SO much more satisfying. Especially to see all the great stuff with Marlon Brando that was hacked off for financial reasons. It fits together with the first so much better.

You'll believe a man can... um... *totally* not suck.

The Fountain of Youth Accelerated Aging

2007-03-20T21:40:00.000-03:00

You know what? By the time I get through having teenagers five times, I'm going to be very old.

And I'm not just saying that because I'll *actually* be very old. Though technically that will be true as well.

But I'll be older beyond my years.

Trust me.

Trick Yourself, Trick the World... the Bug Doesn't Trick

2007-03-17T09:01:00.000-03:00

So I started my new job on Monday.

Which would have been great if I wasn't SICK AS A FRICKIN' DOG.

See, I spent the previous weekend taking my little kids to my folks' house in Cape Breton, and leaving them there for a fun filled week of bowling, playing cards, eating junk food and watching television. As I was there, though, I started to feel... crappy.

Have you ever had this kind of internal dialogue: "Oh, man. I'm starting to feel weird. Am I getting sick? I can't get sick. I'm starting my job on Monday. OK, maybe I'm alright. Yeah, I think it's passing. I'm fine."

Then later: "Hm... well, I'm not sick, but something is going on. I'll just take a Motrin to get rid of this headache. That'll be good. And I'll drink lots of water. Probably I'm just a little dehydrated."

So this sad charade goes on for a day or so, and allows me to get myself home by Sunday night. By Sunday night, there's no denying it: "Oh crap, I'm sick. OK, I know what to do. I'll just take some cold medicine, get to bed nice and early, and blast it away fast. I'm sure I'll be fine for tomorrow."

Come Monday morning, after a nice of tossing, turning, freakish dreams, and general bad sleeping... I get up. I had already (through the night in fact) formulated a plan for what to do, so here's what I do:

1) Get up two hours early. Take cold medicine and Motrin right away.
2) Drink a glass of water.
3) Mix up some warm salt water.
4) Gargle it.
5) Snort it up my sinuses.
6) Gag and throw up the water from step 2.

(OK, maybe the snorting the water up into my sinuses wasn't the best idea. But my dad *swears* that it's a great way to help clear up congestion and get rid of bugs growing up there. That may be so, but let me also tell you that it's *very* offensive to the system. Not at the level of that bowel prep I did once, but close enough to mention).

7) Check the sink to confirm that the cold tablet and the Motrin from step 1 didn't come up with the water from step 2. Um, they didn't. Good.

8) Have a nice hot shower, and add some Tea Tree Oil to the water. Tea Tree Oil is good stuff.

So, by the time I leave for work, I'm sufficiently drugged up to pass for a normal human. Which I pretty much do. For most of the day, anyway. Luckily, there are a group of eight of us, and it's pretty much just a classroom session of orientation presentations. So I'm faking it pretty well.

Towards the end of the day, though, I think my drugs are wearing off. I meant to bring more with me. I forgot. Trust me that my brain capacity was at a maximum of maybe 50% at best.

So all of a sudden, I'm starting to feel like death warmed over, and my nose is starting to run. All the tissues I brought for the day are gone. Just great.

Now the 'orientation' session is over and it's time to meet our supervisors. Perfect timing.

Let's just say that I wasn't my most chatty outgoing self. (I hope my supervisor doesn't base her opinion on me from this contact, considering I was trying to keep my distance and end any conversation as abruptly as possible. Believe me, it was for her own good.)

It's all I can do to get home at the end of the day and get my a$$ to bed.

The week eventually improves. Tuesday's a bit better, and Wednesday's a bit better than that. By Thursday I was drug free, and by Friday I am actually a normal human again. (Or as close as I ever get, anyway)

I wonder how my *second* week of work will go?

Maybe this weekend I can break my leg or something.

(*After* I pick the kids back up, of course.)

POLICE SQUAD! in color. On my TV.

2007-03-11T20:15:00.000-03:00

Yay! At the end of a weekend trip to Cape Breton, I dropped by my cousin Steve's to return the LOST dvd's that we never managed to watch.

And what did I pick up, but all six classic episodes of POLICE SQUAD!

Man, did I love that show. It was so twisted. Even then, I couldn't believe it was on TV. In fact, it wasn't for long. Six episodes was it. The "Naked Gun" movies that followed it were pretty good, but this show was *great*.

Going to watch it now, and add it to the list of classic tv experiences I'm sharing with my 14 year old.

*****************************
Note to Steve:

You weren't actually *home* when I borrowed your Police Squad dvd. But your sister was. Yes, I know I live four and a half hours away. And I kept your LOST disks for a year.

Oh, and I also "borrowed" your Richard Donner cut of Superman 2. But I *returned* your 'regular' Superman 2 dvd!! So that one kind of balances out. :)

REALLY Bad Timing for a Captain America T-shirt...

2007-03-08T22:25:00.000-04:00

So yesterday my MIL comes up and brings my kid a new t-shirt. He loves it. Puts it on. Look at this.

Captain America.

I say to her (out of earshot, of course), "Nice timing. He's dead."

"Who?"

"Captain America."

"WHAAATTT?!?!?!", she says, with a little more emotion than I would expect from a lady in her 60's who has never had any real comic book ties that I'm aware of.

"Yeah, it's on the news. Comic just came out today."

She expresses disbelief. Remember this is a *fictional* character we're talking about. Tells me how fond she always was of him. (Ah, right, she's American originally.)

"Don't worry. I'm sure it won't last," I tell her. "Remember when Superman died? He eventually came back."

That was it for the conversation. And I haven't shared with little kiddie that Captain America is "dead". Somehow I don't think telling him would serve any useful purpose in his world.

But I'll always look at that shirt as the "Captain America death day" shirt. (shudder)

Gee, I Wish I Could Get that Picture onto my Cell Phone... (sigh)

2007-03-07T20:59:00.000-04:00

I love free cool little internet utilities. Here's another one. Allow me to demonstrate.

Here we have a nice new promo picture from the upcoming Spider-man 3 movie.

Now, here's the same picture, which within moments appeared on my cell phone!

(Ok, well, my photography sucks, but don't let that influence you.)

It's thanks to Pix2Fone, a nice little add-on to Firefox or Internet Explorer that lets you right-click on any image and send it to your phone! Total coolness.

Cool, quick and free. Spyware and Adware free, as well. Just the way I like it.

When I Learned the Meaning of "Retribution"

2007-03-05T14:25:00.000-04:00

Back when I was a kid in the 70's, I remember when we would torment my older cousin Murray and his friend David Bone on the way to school.

They were teenagers, and we weren't. Wasn't that reason enough?

We'd yell at them, call them names, and throw snowballs at them in the winter. Anything to get their attention.

Sometimes they would chase us. I remember once when they caught us; they used our heads to make lifelike impressions of our faces in the snowbanks. All good fun.

I *do* remember, however, the time that teenage retribution went to the next level. And it still makes me smile fondly.

I can't recall what I had done to deserve what I got, but I'm pretty sure I did deserve it, whatever it was. Anyway, on with my story.

I was out walking around with a couple of friends, when we went to the corner store in our neighbourhood. The corner store where David Bone worked. At the time, it didn't dawn on me that this was a problem. Ah, the naivete of youth.

However, once I walked into the store, and the door slammed behind me, I started to get the idea. I look at Dave, and he's come around from behind the counter, and he's smiling at me. Kind of a "Well, what do we have here?" type of smile. The smile a wolf would give a fluffy sheep.

"Heh, heh..." says I. I turn for some support from my friends.

Oh, wait. They didn't follow me into the store. When I look behind me, I see them.

Outside the door, looking in. Laughing their asses off.

The rats sold me out. Probably for a quarter each.

The young gentleman proceeds to educate me on the pitfalls of teasing someone bigger and older (and clearly more diabolical) than oneself.

The entire sequence has faded a bit over the years, but I do quite clearly recall:

1) Being peppered with "knucklers" to maniacal laughter

2) Being swung around and around by the straps of my then-popular overalls. I wasn't a heavy kid. I caught some pretty good air. And got a pretty good wedgie too.

3) Being stuffed into the ice cream cooler with the popsicles and freezies. I didn't actually *fit*, but that didn't make the effort any less energetic.

4) Being assisted back out the door with a helpful foot to my rear end. A very LARGE and SWIFT foot, at that.

Now, let me say, he didn't "beat me up". This wasn't me being terrorized by a big kid. This was me getting taught a good lesson that I could carry with me in life. It was kind of fun, except for the painful parts.

Here are the lessons I learned:

1) Anyone with the last name of 'Bone' will eventually tire of being called any number of variations on the word "boner".

2) Always scope out a convenience store in anticipation of an ambush.

3) Your friends will sell you out for a quarter if there's a good laugh in it.

Um, that's pretty much it.

Now, in today's world, good natured beatings like this just don't happen any more. We're too politically correct for that.

But man... those were the days.

A Fish Called... Earl?

2007-03-04T18:13:00.000-04:00

I must say, before I start, there's not much more pathetic than a sick little kid. Take a look at this. Even the picture doesn't do justice to how miserable he is.

OK, back on topic. Here is what my Far Side calendar gave me today:

And you know what it reminded me of? "Goodbye Earl."

I loved that video; especially, that Earl was played by Dennis Franz (man, I miss "NYPD Blue"). I particularly liked Zombie Earl dancing around at the end of the video. Also the moral of the video, which was... um... "be nice to yer woman", I think.

Anyway here it is. Still a darn catchy tune.

Now I'm off to go be nice to my woman.

Three Questions for the Ages

2007-03-03T17:13:00.000-04:00

(1) Does anyone remember pay toilets? When did they disappear? Like, the 70's? They *were* kind of cruel, after all.

(2) Do all men hate little wicker baskets, or is it just me? Conversely, do all women love little wicker baskets, or is it just my wife?

(3) Why is it that when you come out of the grocery store:
a) Sometimes you know exactly where your car is;
b) Sometimes you have no clue where your car is, but your feet take you there anyway;
c) Sometimes you have no clue where your car is, and neither love nor money can help you find your friggin' car?

Humourous Article Which Has No Bearing on Any Particular Situation In Our Family Right Now

2007-03-01T12:20:00.000-04:00

I have always enjoyed this article. So I'm reprinting it here for you all to enjoy. Many of you, I'm sure, have read it before.

I simply feel compelled to share it with you now. Not for any particular reason. *Certainly* not because my daughter has a new boyfriend. Has nothing to do with that. In fact, I'm sure he doesn't even read my blog. (Though he's certainly *old* enough to...)

However... IF, purely by happenstance, he does chance to read it... he might find it of interest.

Particularly rules 2, 4, 6, and 8.

******************************************************

8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate—ink washes off—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Ghost Riders in the sky on the Screen

2007-02-27T23:53:00.000-04:00

Saw the trailer for "Ghost Rider" long ago. Said to myself, "Looks stupid. Must avoid."

However, my teenage son saw it back when it opened a week and a half ago, though. He said that it actually wasn't bad.

Which was good enough for me.

Saw it tonight. It totally didn't suck. It was rather enjoyable.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't "Chariots of Fire." It was "guy whose skeletonized head is on fire, oh, and his motorcycle too."

I was familiar with Ghost Rider from the comics as a kid. However, I must have read them at other people's houses, because I never actually owned a Ghost Rider comic. The closest thing to it was this comic, "What If?" number 17 from 1979:

It told the story of what would have happened if Ghost Rider made some additional bad choices and became a bad guy instead of a... um, sorta good guy. I must go dig that one out sometime.

You know, after this good experience, I might even be starting to look forward to "Fantastic Four 2, Rise of the Silver Surfer."

A little bit.

Our Little Piece of Comic Strip History

2007-02-25T09:47:00.000-04:00

For me, as a kid, it was "Peanuts".

For my older kids, it was "Calvin and Hobbes".

For my three younger kids, it's definitely "Baby Blues".

My 9-year-olds only discovered within the last year that we have a bunch of the "Baby Blues" collections in the house. It was at that point that they became the total devotees that they are today. To the point that, just casually, I asked my 9-year-old daughter something like, "Um, which book was baby Wren born in?", to which she immediately replied, "Number 14". Whoa.

See, as parents, we've always loved "Baby Blues". So much of it was just so bang on with our own experiences.

However, not too many people can make the claim that their own child influenced one of the strips.

Here's how it happened. Years ago, on the "Baby Blues" website, they were running a contest of some kind, something like the weirdest thing you ever said to your kid or some such thing. My wife sent in something funny our oldest daughter said, which, in hindsight, didn't quite fit the requirements, if I remember correctly. In any case, she told them about the comment our probably 2-year-old first child made at bathtime. After coming out of the tub and looking at her fingers, she said "Dese are all winkled. Pwease you iron dem?"

Time passes. Life goes on.

Then, much MUCH later, we pick up a Baby Blues collection, and lo and behold, we see a strip that talks about wrinkly fingers from the tub and ironing them! We were, and still are, convinced that my wife's submission was the inspiration for this strip!

In fact, for Mother's Day one year, I managed to get the actual hand-drawn strip for my dear wife as a present, and it hangs on our wall to this day. Here it is:

Our own little piece of comic strip history.

Gee... I wonder if I can find a "Peanuts"??

I'm the Big Breadwinner.... for Webkinz

2007-02-23T22:56:00.000-04:00

Here's another topic I feel compelled to post about, simply because it's become a long-term staple in our household.

Webkinz.

Do you know what they are? Basically, they're stuffed animals that you buy in gift stores. However, they come with a 'tag' that grants you access to "Webkinz World", an online kids' site full of games and activities for your Webkinz (Webkin?). So the kids actually inhabit their Webkinz in a virtual sense. They play games against other kids, and of course earn "Kinzcash" so they can buy stuff for their Webkinz' virtual house, and buy food to feed their Webkinz...

Wow, it's making my head hurt just explaining it.

But I must admit, it is fun for the kids, and doesn't actually seem harmful in any way.

My contribution the the whole endeavour is two-fold:

1) I actually buy the friggin' things for them. The three little kids each only ever had one, but now somehow they each have three.

2) I'm a master at "Quizzy's Word Challenge". So they log on, then have me play for them and earn mucho bucks. Um, I mean Kinzcash.

Thank heavens that I can finally provide for my children in the manner I always intended. Too bad it's only virtual.

PWNED!!!

2007-02-22T23:25:00.000-04:00

Pwned. Or pwnd. Pwn3d, even.

How many of you even know what it means? I suspect that some of you do. I also suspect that even more of you have no clue.

If you want, read Wikipedia's definition here. Which explains how a typo freakishly became its own word. It's actually kind of interesting reading. Sort of like, english in bizarro world.

Or else, here's a quick example. Picture me, going head to head against my 14-year-old son in a video game. ANY video game. He trounces me soundly. Then he says, "I totally pwned you!!" He pronounces it 'poned' but apparently some purists still pronounce it 'owned'.

Thus endeth today's quickie english lesson. Welcome to the new millennium.

Hm. You know, my wife and teenage daughter are still up. Maybe I can get one of them to play a game with me. I have a hankering to pwn someone.

With my luck I'd end up pwned myself.

Or pwnd. Pwn3d, even.

Whatever.

Dip Dip Dip DIp Dip Dip Dip Dip, Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom, Get a Job

2007-02-21T11:52:00.000-04:00

For those of you under 40 who don't get the musical reference in this title: Study up on your 1950's doo-wop music history. Or don't. Just go back to listening to "My Humps" or whatever.

Anyway, I got a job. In fact, for a few weeks I've been doing enjoyable part-time work for a small company that a friend of mine started up, and yesterday I was offered a full-time job by a huge tech company. (Let's just say that my love of gadgets won't hurt in this case).

So I'm back to life in the fast lane. Although, my five-year-old just reiterated that he doesn't want me to get a job. He likes me taking him to school. Cute kid, but he hurts my heart a bit sometimes.

My new full time gig won't start until March though, and ultimately the shifts will vary, so that means hopefully I'll still have some time to participate in my children's lives. Which I didn't get to do too much in six months' worth of my previous job. We'll see.

Stay tuned.

I'm Hard on my G-Strings

2007-02-19T20:49:00.000-04:00

Before I start, let me clarify:

I don't wear man thongs. Though I'm sure that I would be a smoking hot piece of sexy manhood if I did. It's just that even the thought of something wedged between my butt cheeks makes me squirm a bit. I couldn't imagine doing it for thirty seconds, never mind for a whole day.

So where was I?

Right. G-strings.

Since I've eliminated the male lingerie factor, I can only be talking musically.

See, after a month or so of guitar lessons, I've decided that I wanted my own guitar. However, last week, attempting to tune my guitar as I was taught, I managed to break the G-string.

THREE times.

It makes a sound so loud and awful I can't describe it. And it surprises you almost to the point of filling your drawers. And it makes you say a really bad word. Every time.

Luckily, I had my friend Matte to get me to the point that I discovered where I was going wrong. Thanks Matte. But I wish you were there two strings earlier. And what the hell's up with that 'E' in your name anyway?

...

So, I suppose, now that I won't be so hard on my *musical* G strings, the only way that I can keep up my reputation is to head down to "Night Magic", buy a "Cuban Constrictor", and then head to the grocery store to pick up a big bottle of Salsa.

That combination, I expect, would be pretty hard on the G strings.

Let Me Eat Cake

2007-02-18T21:46:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was my birthday. 41 isn't so interesting as 40. It's just... there.

The day was fine though. Everyone let me sleep in a bit, and then we had a little family party in the morning (most of our family parties take place in the mornings, since that's the only time that everyone is guaranteed to be there).

My wife took a nice picture of the kids and me. I don't like to brag, but man do I have a great bunch of kids. (Not withstanding those periods when I want to kill them)

And I ate my first cake of the day.

After that, I took the kids to a birthday party for one of their friends. Their mom is my kidney girl, so I stuck around and swam and ate. More cake.

Then we went immediately to another birthday party for the kids. The parents are also friends, so I stayed along and helped. Went on a wagon ride, did some gladiator fighting (7 year olds go down easy) and had more... (gulp) cake.

Shortly after we arrived home, my wife and I went out to get together with friends. Guess what they had for me?

Cake.

Holy crap, I'll be tired of cake pretty soon.

Not *yet*.

But soon.

Almost time to turn in. Maybe I should have a little bedtime snack.

Cake, of course.

Super Sesame Street

2007-02-14T21:42:00.000-04:00

File this one under "things I never expected to see again".

I remember, watching Sesame Street as a lad, being truly pleased when they would play the infrequent clip of Superman teaching us about the letter S. (Remember, this was back before every possible television whim could be indulged by a click of a button or a trip to Wal-mart).

So, the other night, and I can't explain how it came to me, I thought, "Gee, I wonder if that Superman clip from Sesame Street is on YouTube?"

Guess what? It was. Along with lots of other trips down memory lane, such as all my favourite Ernie and Bert clips, and even a clip of Spider-man's first appearance on "The Electric Company" (which we didn't get in Nova Scotia in the stone age -- ie. pre-cable television days -- though I had read the comic book adaptation of that clip in issue number one of "Spidey Super Stories").

So, please join me in my nostalgia rush:

(Just try not to dwell too long on the image of me sitting up in bed late at night, laptop on my lap, watching Ernie and Bert over and over. Particularly with my wife lying next to me, thinking, "What was that crisis intervention number anyway??")

Happy Chlamydia!

2007-02-13T23:19:00.000-04:00

Did you ever notice that the initials for Valentine's Day are V.D.? No, me neither.

Happy VD!

Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together...

2007-02-12T18:05:00.000-04:00

24.

Comics.

Two of my favourite things.

Can you ever imagine what would happen if the two of them were combined? Along with a little humour?

Imagine no longer. Check this out. It's a one page comic version of last week's episode of 24:

This is from an amazingly funny site called "24 in 24". See, they (*he*, actually... his name's Jim) summarize each episode in one comic page, so by May we will have a whole season of 24 in 24 pages.

Now that I've whet (whetted?) your appetite, go there now. It's classic.

Hey, since 24 is on for 2 hours tonight, I now have two more pages of 24 in 24 to look forward to this week!

It's All About Mii, So Deal With It

2007-02-06T22:36:00.000-04:00

OK, the Wii fever is now into its third month with no sign of abating.

Oh, and the five-year-old, who is pound-for-pound the best and most consistent tennis player, is equally good with his right OR left hand. Freaky.

Another thing I like: Mii.

A "Mii" is your own avatar that you create on the Wii. You can make it look like yourself and play some of the games using your own Mii. You can even 'load' it into a Wii remote, so you could go to a friend's house and take your own remote, then play on their Wii with your own Mii. Get it?

Anyway, here I am, set to break my own home run record:

OK, yes, I know I have no ears. Or arms.

So... how do you like Mii now?

Doorknob!

2007-02-05T18:37:00.000-04:00

You're never too old to learn something new.

Did you know:

If you ~~fart~~ politely pass wind, and someone yells "doorknob", they can hit you until you touch a doorknob?

I didn't either.

Thank heavens for 9-year-old boys, or I'd be *totally* out of the loop on things like this.

The Magical Healing Powers of... Um...

2007-02-03T18:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I bought a bottle of "Minard's Linament". I didn't think they even made that any more. I used to use it for sore muscles when I played volleyball in high school. I figured, if it was good for me then, it's good for me now!

I must tell you though, I think medical knowledge has advanced significantly since they originally invented this stuff.

When I applied it to my shoulder and my knees, most of my team leaped up and reacted strongly. (ie. cleared about a twenty-foot radius around my person). Which lead me to check the 'medicinal' ingredients.

The magical components are:

Camphor (that one sounds ok)

Ammonia (um, must be why it clears my sinuses too...)

and...

Turpentine. For... cleaning paint off my sore muscles?

Well, at least there are no bat's wings or eye of newt.

And it *did* make me feel better! At least until the cancer sets in.

The Summer of Harry

2007-02-01T23:07:00.000-04:00

OK, there are lots of good movies coming out this summer, and one of them is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on July 13th. I've been reading bits and pieces of the book to my five-year-old recently, and it has me pretty charged up to see it on the big screen.

However, I'd happily skip every movie this summer, if that's what it took to get the final Harry Potter book in my hands on July 21st. Which has just been announced as the release date for "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."

I'm pretty sure that there will be lots of quiet time in our family over the couple of days after the book arrives in the house. Actually, we required three copies of the last one, since there are four readers (and three listeners) all vying for a copy.

And if we only get ONE copy, for some reason, let there be no misunderstanding about WHO will be the first to read it.

They don't call me the head of the household for nothing. ;)

I Scan't Believe It

2007-01-30T23:10:00.000-04:00

Please forgive the worst blog post title ever. Not too many titles I can use the word 'scan' in, and make it sound remotely witty.

See, I just got a new scanner. Oh, and I found out at Staples that people pretty much never buy scanners any more. So, even technologically, I'm a dinosaur.

But wait, my new scanner rocks. The old one was sooooooooooooooo slooooooooooowwwwwww. I would put a picture on, click the button, then go for coffee. Then drink it, watch some tv, get more coffee, drink it, take a nap, check the scanner, discover that it's at 21%, go do more stuff.

Get the point?

Now, I can flip five pictures on it, click 'multi-scan', and it scans them all separately without any input from me. In like, ten seconds.

All of a sudden I want to scan stuff.

Which is good, since I claimed a box full of clippings and pictures that were my grandmother's from my parents months and months ago. I could never bring myself to face the torture of scanning all of it. Now, I look forward to it!

Here's a picture I scanned tonight as a test.

We old married couples don't get many pictures taken. Especially ones that we *like*. The photographer must have caught us off guard.

Anyway, must go now. Need to sort through clippings.

Ice Ice Baby...

2007-01-29T17:05:00.000-04:00

Look at this.

Blades of Glory. I'm starting to think that Will Ferrell can do no wrong.

Just *look* at that tight orange faux-flame design bodysuit. It truly speaks to the woman in me.

I'm sure the movie will be a hard hitting drama with a "Rocky" style rise to the top. And I'll be right there in the front row on opening night, cheering him on.

Makes a guy want to grow his hair long and get into some spandex. And wear a headband. And go twirling around on the ice.

Oh, What a "Night"

2007-01-28T22:37:00.000-04:00

Took the kids to "Night at the Museum" tonight.

Despite having read some lukewarm reviews, I can positively state the following:

1) The kids LOVED it. The five-year-old, on the way out of the theatre, extracted from his mother a promise to purchase this movie when it comes out on dvd.

2) The adults enjoyed it as well. I can even say that I stayed awake for the whole thing. It was just neat.

3) Any current big-budget movie with Dick Van Dyke and Mickey Rooney in it has to score some points just out of respect. Now, however, I'll have to explain to my kids who they *are*.

4) It has a monkey.

Need I say more?

I thought not.

"Underground" Comics... or Comics That Should Be Underground?

2007-01-27T18:21:00.000-04:00

Here it is. Direct from the brain of my nine-year-old son. The instant classic, collector's edition, "Bed, Shower, and Cheese" number 1.

You'll probably need to click on it to be able to read it. And please do.

I'm sure it's rife with hidden meaning. Or ANY meaning.

So if you understand it... can you please explain it to me???