Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I'm Growing an Afro

Received an e-mail from the principal of my children's school recently. Wasn't to me directly; it was directed to all school staff and school community groups. He wanted to let people know about a concern that was brought to his attention by a parent. Apparently, this parent witnessed a gentleman who was standing in a wooded area about 10 feet away from a well travelled street in our neighbourhood. The man in question was, um... how shall I put this politely... 'choking the chicken.'

I have a couple of areas of concern here. First and foremost, naturally, everybody should be concerned for the welfare of our neighbourhood children. It goes without saying that the children should be cautioned on how to react if they come upon a freaky stranger, and neighbourhood people should be on the alert too. Luckily, they have a good general description of the person: White male, between 30 and 40, with a shaved head.

Which brings me to my second area of concern. You see, I, myself, am ALSO a WHITE MALE BETWEEN THIRTY AND FORTY WITH A SHAVED HEAD. Aaaack.

Perhaps I'm being a little paranoid. I don't THINK anybody has been crossing the street when they see me coming yet... I don't THINK cars have started driving by me very slowly, drivers staring at me intently, then frantically punching buttons on their cell phones... but I think maybe it's time to take some pre-emptive action.

I'm growing an afro.

Of course, it will take some work. I do have that male pattern baldness thing working against me, so I'm concerned that it will only come out on the sides. And it's red. It may end up as a "Bozo the Clown" kind of hairdo. Then I'd have to go out and chuck good money on a red bulb nose and floppy shoes... man, this is getting worse and worse the more I think about it.

Maybe I'll have to reconsider the afro thing. In fact, the school principal I mentioned earlier, bless his heart, already e-mailed me that he knows where I can get some good wigs. Sweet man.

And you know, I can't help but thinking:

All it takes is ONE BAD EGG to go ahead and ruin public masturbation for all the rest of us. Hmph.

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