I'm Ready for my Close-Up, Mr. DeMille...

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such hospital instructional videos as "Wow, That's One HUGE Mole" and "Protruding Bones!!" I'm here today on behalf of your local children's hospital...

Sorry, I can't sustain the extended Simpsons reference any longer.

However, I am pleased to announce that our family's gradual decline into bankruptcy may soon be halted, now that we're in show business!

Well, that is if "hospital instructional video" counts as show business. Out of my wife, my four-year-old, and myself, I must say that the four-year-old is the only one who shows any potential.

Without further ado, here are a number of screen caps from the soon-to-be-classic children's hospital instructional video knows as "Calm Minds, Calm Bodies":

Ok, so this creates a new set of problems in life.

First, I'm not sure if I should write two *different* speeches for the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards, or just write *one* speech and tweak it for the second ceremony.

Also, now that I have my little buddy lined up for "Home Alone XXIV", I need to get going on my list of unreasonable demands... after all, we need to be treated in the manner we deserve! Nothing but the best for my baby! And I need to get a hold of the tabloids so I can start undercutting all those other little brats that are trying to horn in on *our* piece of the action!

So we'll see you on the silver screen! Just please don't call us, we're *much* too busy. But let's do lunch sometime, darlings. Have your people call my people.