Saturday, March 17, 2007

Trick Yourself, Trick the World... the Bug Doesn't Trick

So I started my new job on Monday.

Which would have been great if I wasn't SICK AS A FRICKIN' DOG.

See, I spent the previous weekend taking my little kids to my folks' house in Cape Breton, and leaving them there for a fun filled week of bowling, playing cards, eating junk food and watching television. As I was there, though, I started to feel... crappy.

Have you ever had this kind of internal dialogue: "Oh, man. I'm starting to feel weird. Am I getting sick? I can't get sick. I'm starting my job on Monday. OK, maybe I'm alright. Yeah, I think it's passing. I'm fine."

Then later: "Hm... well, I'm not sick, but something is going on. I'll just take a Motrin to get rid of this headache. That'll be good. And I'll drink lots of water. Probably I'm just a little dehydrated."

So this sad charade goes on for a day or so, and allows me to get myself home by Sunday night. By Sunday night, there's no denying it: "Oh crap, I'm sick. OK, I know what to do. I'll just take some cold medicine, get to bed nice and early, and blast it away fast. I'm sure I'll be fine for tomorrow."

Come Monday morning, after a nice of tossing, turning, freakish dreams, and general bad sleeping... I get up. I had already (through the night in fact) formulated a plan for what to do, so here's what I do:

1) Get up two hours early. Take cold medicine and Motrin right away.
2) Drink a glass of water.
3) Mix up some warm salt water.
4) Gargle it.
5) Snort it up my sinuses.
6) Gag and throw up the water from step 2.

(OK, maybe the snorting the water up into my sinuses wasn't the best idea. But my dad *swears* that it's a great way to help clear up congestion and get rid of bugs growing up there. That may be so, but let me also tell you that it's *very* offensive to the system. Not at the level of that bowel prep I did once, but close enough to mention).

7) Check the sink to confirm that the cold tablet and the Motrin from step 1 didn't come up with the water from step 2. Um, they didn't. Good.

8) Have a nice hot shower, and add some Tea Tree Oil to the water. Tea Tree Oil is good stuff.

So, by the time I leave for work, I'm sufficiently drugged up to pass for a normal human. Which I pretty much do. For most of the day, anyway. Luckily, there are a group of eight of us, and it's pretty much just a classroom session of orientation presentations. So I'm faking it pretty well.

Towards the end of the day, though, I think my drugs are wearing off. I meant to bring more with me. I forgot. Trust me that my brain capacity was at a maximum of maybe 50% at best.

So all of a sudden, I'm starting to feel like death warmed over, and my nose is starting to run. All the tissues I brought for the day are gone. Just great.

Now the 'orientation' session is over and it's time to meet our supervisors. Perfect timing.

Let's just say that I wasn't my most chatty outgoing self. (I hope my supervisor doesn't base her opinion on me from this contact, considering I was trying to keep my distance and end any conversation as abruptly as possible. Believe me, it was for her own good.)

It's all I can do to get home at the end of the day and get my a$$ to bed.

The week eventually improves. Tuesday's a bit better, and Wednesday's a bit better than that. By Thursday I was drug free, and by Friday I am actually a normal human again. (Or as close as I ever get, anyway)

I wonder how my *second* week of work will go?

Maybe this weekend I can break my leg or something.

(*After* I pick the kids back up, of course.)


At 3:49 AM, Blogger caramaena said...

Congrats on the new job. Hope you're feeling better now. Always sucks to be sick the first week.


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