Another Lost Opportunity to Mess Up my Kids

So this newest "Grand Theft Auto" video game came out this week.



I've been reading how it polarizes people with it's street-level violence and such. However, I've never played any of the previous games, so I don't have a real feel for it, at least from a first-hand point of view.

One of my co-workers is an avid gamer, though, and he picked up the new game already. I asked him what it's like, and he told me this:

"It's great if you're into beating up hookers."

Ooh! Do they have a version for the Wii coming out? I'm sure my six year old would *love* this!

Or maybe we'll just stick to Mario Kart. That Bowser is nasty enough for me.

My Favourite Swear Word

I don't like to use bad words. I think they are totally inappropriate and a sign of a...

Ah, who am I kidding. I swear like a longshoreman. I still have the ability to totally mortify my mother.

Now, I'm not completely condoning the use of swear words. For instance, I discourage my children from using them. I just find that they add a nice level of emphasis to my speech when I'm trying to express a certain point of view.

Let's talk about my favourite swear word:

Clusterf*ck.


It's really something, isn't it? It's the kind of word that doesn't require a lot of explanation.

Let's say, you were in a situation, maybe an event of some kind, that was terribly disorganized. You found it frustrating and disheartening to the extreme. How do you most efficiently put that impression forth to an interested third party?

Should the person ask you, "How was the so-and-so?", you simply respond:

"It was a total clusterf*ck."

Case closed. No further clarification necessary.

One thing to bear in mind, however, and this is directed to those of you who are just learning to swear, you need to be careful not to overuse swear words. Sometimes even I realize I need to pull back a bit, usually after saying something like, "Please pass the f*cking potatoes". No more so does this rule hold true than with 'clusterf*ck'.

So, hold 'clusterf*ck' like a precious gem in your verbal repertoire. Save it for that perfect moment...

And then let it rip.

It Ain't Easy Being Green... Even with Stretch Denim

I forgot one.

When I talked about all the movies that are going to make my summer so rich and full, I forgot "The Incredible Hulk".

Check out the poster:



Not bad, eh? Now Ed Norton can change into *another* cool character! (Didn't see "Fight Club?" Then this won't make sense to you.)

However, there is one tiny problem... his pants aren't purple. We uber comic geeks hate stuff like that. Hulk's torn pants should always be purple. And none of this 'stretch denim' stuff. Sadly, that means that poor Bruce Banner would have had to wear purple pants every day of his life. Where would you even *find* purple pants? Since they're so offensive and all. Oh well, that's a question for the philosophers.

Oh, I almost forgot the COOLEST part. I suppose it could be considered a "spoiler", but I know none of you care. You know how there's also the "Iron Man" movie coming out... with Robert Downey Jr.?? Well, it turns out that Robert Downey Jr. is also playing a cameo in the Hulk movie! In character! (But not wearing the cool Iron Man suit, I don't think). How cool is that??

The geek strings in my heart just went 'zing' a little when I heard that. Gives me a good feeling for the future. Hulk smash puny Iron Man, and stuff like that.

The Miracle of Life for Only a Dollar

I will freely admit that I frequent the dollar store.

It's great for grabbing some low-cost items that are going to be used and disposed of fairly quickly. If I need birthday party favours, or craft items for a Beavers meeting, a quick trip to the dollar store will do the trick. In fact, I recently found a neat little plastic faux-BlackBerry that makes funny noises. I've been carrying it around in my pocket at work all day today!

In fact, I do notice that dollar stores now carry a LOT more items than I would have expected. Lots of household items are available in dollar store versions, and many of them will serve the same purchase as a more expensive version from some other place.

However, over the weekend, I saw something that actually made me stop and go back to look again. In fact, I even took a picture. (After I waited until nobody was watching, of course. Don't want people to think I'm a weirdo...)

Take a look at what you can get at the dollar store now:



A Home Pregnancy Test!!!

Isn't that nuts?

You know, though, now that I think about it... perhaps this will dovetail with some of my other regular uses for dollar store items. My younger daughter turns 11 next week. With the way that society is going these days, perhaps I should buy a bunch of these for the upcoming birthday party to put in her friends' treat bags!

OK, well maybe that's a little over the top. But you know, I'd sure like to be a fly on the wall in some of the houses when they brought THOSE home! (Of course, that would probably help cut down on future birthday party expenses... since they'd all be banned from my home after that!)

Maybe I'll go back and buy a bunch. I don't really have any need for them (I finally figured out what was making that 'pregnancy' thing happen) but I can't resist a deal!

If anyone needs one, please let me know. Or else I might end up using them to stir my mixed drinks! (Kind of like the "forget-me-shot" that Moe made up for Homer a few months ago)

Just Tase It

Yeah, I know there are lots of concerns about tasers these days. Being abused, misused, blah blah blah.

I think they should get their act together. What we really need is a Personal Home Taser. PHT. It could have a catchy advertisement campaign:

"Problem with the kids? Just tase it! Neighbours giving you guff? Just tase it! For all of your irritations in life.... Just tase it!"

Man, think of all the family situations that you could make better with a Personal Home Taser.

"Daaaad!!! He keeps kicking me!!"
"I am not!"
"Yes you are! You're doing it now!"
"Well you shouldn't have sat in my spot!"
"You got up!"
"I just had to go to the bathroom!"
"Yeah, well, you should have....."
BZZORRNKKK!! BZZORRRNNGKKKK!! Aaaah.

Or even:

"I'm not eating this! We had this last week! How come you never make anything good! Why can't you..."
BZZORRRRNNGGKKKK!

In fact, you could use the PHT in every room in the house:

"Honey, are you awake?"
"Oh, God. Don't even *think* about it. I've got such a splitting headache that I could..."
BBBBZZZZZOOOOORRRRRRNNNNGGGGKKKKK!!!!!!!!


Yeah, well, at least it would be cool if you could overlook all those pesky human rights issues.

Why are the neatest gadgets always imaginary?

Oooh... I'm a Cybernetic Killing Machine. Fear me!!

Look at this:



Neat, eh? I got it at http://cyborg.namedecoder.com. It's pretty cool.

In fact, I'm also a slobbering depraved monster, as well:



... courtesy of http://monster.namedecoder.com!!

There's also one more site in this family... http://sexy.namedecoder.com ... but you can do that one *yourself*.

Horton Hears a "ZZZZZZZ"

This isn't one of my normal quick movie commentaries.

See, I took the kids to "Horton Hears a Who" this evening.



I won't comment on the quality or the entertainment value of the film itself. I do have two things to say, however:

1) My kids reported that they liked it. My 6-year-old says it's the third best movie he's ever seen. (However, his judgment is a little suspect, as he says something like that about just about EVERY movie he's seen... though something must be said for being easy to please.)

and

2) I had a HELL of a good nap. Well worth the ten or eleven bucks it cost me.

So we're all happy. In fact, we'll probably pick it up when it comes out on video.

Because I'm looking forward to another nap like that.

Supper Time on Galactica

Soup's on. Come on now, everyone, sit at this long table. Oh wait, no, just sit on that one side. That's it. And strike a pose.

Now that Battlestar Galactica is FINALLY back on (don't even get me started about 24), they must have been pretty hungry.

Here they are chowing down:



Oh, wait. There's no food. That must be why they look so agitated.

There are other 'last supper' homages out there... I should look for them. This could be the first in a series!! We'll see if my attention span holds out that long.

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(Question for people who actually watch the show: How many Cylons are in this picture? Hee hee. Trick question.)

I am... McLovin.

Words can't describe how much I love this.

Make your own at www.mclovinidmaker.com

Now I wanna go meet up with some cops and help shoot up and burn their car. (p.s. If you haven't seen "Superbad"... go watch it. But don't watch it with your mother. Like my poor permanently emotionally scarred teenage son did.)

My Plans for the Summer are Complete

Looking forward, I can see that I'm going to me spending the entire summer with old and new acquaintances. It promises to be enjoyable yet busy, and thoroughly stimulating.

Between Iron Man, Indiana Jones, Prince Caspian, Hellboy, Carrie Bradshaw, Maxwell Smart, and Batman... the days will be just packed!!!



(Oh, right... my wife's father is getting married too. Big family thing. I hope I have a free weekend to squeeze that in... we'll have to see about that one.)

It's Time for the Truth to be Known

Well, here I am.

I know it's been a long time.

At first, I tried to think that I just didn't feel like blogging. But that wasn't it.

The thing was, blogging simply started to become more difficult. See, a few years ago, I could blog at will. In fact, even immediately after blogging, I would be ready to blog again without even needing to rest. It was pretty sweet.

Recently, however, I still WANTED to blog, but when the time came to actually DO it, it just wasn't happening the way it used to. I think, unconsciously, I was avoiding blogging altogether, for fear of not being able to... you know. Perform.

Now, though, I'm facing my condition. I have a common problem. It's a rampant issue, though shrouded in silence. It can affect all bloggers from time to time, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I have BD.

Blogrectile dysfunction.

It has a name. And now I know I'm not alone.

In fact, now that I've stood up and faced my problem, I feel better already. See, often BD has a large psychological component. And now that I'm back in the driver's seat, with the keyboard at my fingertips, I feel my internet potency returning to me.

Yeah, baby. That's the ticket.

Now I'm sure I'll have setbacks from time to time. Maybe once in a while I'll still be a little worried about what will happen when the next time to post comes along... but with the support of my friends, family, and internet supporters, I know I can lick it.

Stay tuned.



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(Of course, I couldn't have come this far if not for the efforts of the International Center for the Study and Treatment of Blogrectile Dysfunction in Amsterdam. Here is a picture of their headquarters:




Inspiring, isn't it? Just looking at it makes me want to blog.