Craptastic

Craptastic. That's basically the word for how I feel.

I'm sick. When I lie down I feel better, but when I stand up the little man inside my head starts pounding on my skull walls, saying, "HELLOOO!!! ANYBODY HOME????" And then occasionally, I'll do a little cough which makes me think of the alien bursting out of John Hurt's chest from "Alien" in 1979.

I must thank my dear wife for passing this lovely bug on to me. None of the kids have it. Must be thanks to our good hand washing. However, when you sleep with someone, you have no way of knowing if they are coughing on you all night long. I bet that's what happened. Just so I can share in her misery.

I'll have my revenge though. She was sick for four days before me. Thanks to my iron constitution, I'll be better in a day or so, and she'll be sick for another week.

Although we're sick, today was nice. Grandma took our littlest kid out to lunch and to the pool. We lay around watching old episodes of "Emergency!" which we have on DVD. Remember that show? Back in the early 70's I thought it was pretty cool. It still is, but it's also pretty funny to laugh at the melodrama and bad acting. Anyway, it was pretty relaxing... until all the kids came home of course. Then we had to be PARENTS again. Blah.

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Oh, on a side note, "Alien" was the first restricted movie I ever got into. 1979. I was 13. And I looked it. I put on my dad's cool 1970's boots, and went with my friend Walter Adams, who looked even younger than me, although he was a year older. Walked up to the box office, and the lady said, "How old are you?", to which I replied, "Um... 18...would you believe my birthday is next week?" She gave me a little smile and let us in. What a cool movie. Scared the S**T out of me.

Why Sleep When You Can Watch Harry Potter?

Took my 16-year-old and 13-year-old to Harry Potter Thursday night. At midnight. On a school night. I'm either an amazing father or a total idiot. Or both.

Anyway, at 945pm I called home from our dinner out and said to them, "Get to bed quick and take a nap so we can see Harry Potter at midnight!"

Click.

That's how fast that conversation went.

Anyway, here's how we found the movie:

It was great.

Here's the longer version:

It was very enjoyable. It moved very fast, and I wonder if the non-book-readers will be able to clue in to everything that's happening. You should find one of them and ask them how they liked it too.

Oh, and it's pretty scary at times. My 4-year-old will NOT see this in the theatre. I'm on the fence with my 8-year-olds. At first I thought maybe no, but now I'm thinking maybe yes.

Oh, and yes, the story is scaled WAY down to fit into a movie. But what's up there is really well done.

So yes, it was worth staying up until three in the morning to see. I remember telling the kids to make sure they don't act cranky in the morning after getting the benefit of a late night adventure. I said something like, "You better be so friggin' cheerful that butterflies fly out your butt!" They got the point.

Next morning, I don't recall seeing any butterflies, but then again, I don't recall anyone cranking either.

Happy LKL Day!

Happy LKL Day to me. By that I mean, Happy Left Kidney Liberation Day. It was two years ago today that my left kidney was liberated from my body to take up permanent residence in my friend's body. And it's called HAPPY LKL day, because we are happy that the kidney has continued to stay and work properly in her body, which is pretty important as far as transplanted organs go.

Tonight, my wife and I will go out to supper with our friend for our surgery anniversary.

Maybe I'll buy my old kidney a beer for old times' sake. ;)

One of LIfe's Incredibly Frustrating Mysteries

OK, I'm a grown man in my late thirties. I have two degrees, and have had success in several different careers. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent individual. So, can somebody PLEASE explain to me:

WHY CAN'T I FIND THE &$#@&%%$@@# REMOTE CONTROL THAT A FOUR-YEAR-OLD PUT DOWN SOMEWHERE LAST WEEK???????

Man Funny vs. Woman Funny

OK, I didn't actually read the whole article, but I scanned an article in the news today which implies that women find jokes funnier than men.

I question that. Based on my extensive experience of being married to a woman for so long.

Let's test this theory:

Here are two jokes that I would tell:

1)How do you make a cat go 'woof'??

Douse him in gas and light him.

2) How do you a dog go 'meow'??

Stick him in the freezer, then run him through a bandsaw.

Ladies, do you find these jokes funny? Because they are.

Here's another joke. This one I actually remember my wife telling:

Why do men float?

Because they're scum.

The ladies kill themselves over this one. Not many men do though. Why? Because it's not funny.

I rest my case.

The Best Practical Joke I Played on my Grandmother, Shortly Before She Died

Today is my grandmother's birthday. Had she lived, she would be 98 today. She died in 2000. I still miss her.

Since it's her birthday, I figured it would be a good day to tell this story.

My grandmother was quite the character. Smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish her whole life. She and I were very close, as she lived with my parents and me from the time I was two. Oh, and she had a thing about snakes. HATED them. Still makes me smile when I think about the time I put that realistic rubber snake behind her when she was sitting on her bed playing solitaire. I just walked out, whistling a happy tune, and waited. A few minutes later I heard the scream. Let me say, I believe that she broke the 'old lady landspeed record' that day.

But that is not the story I came here to tell. That other one was twenty-five years ago. This one was in the winter of 2000.

My grandmother lived in a nursing home in Cape Breton. Her legs had failed, so she mostly sat in a wheelchair. On this particular weekend, I was coming back to Cape Breton for a visit.

As I arrived in the parking lot of the nursing home, I called her on my cell phone. I told her how I was sorry, but that I wasn't able to come home this weekend after all. She's all, "Oh, that's too bad, dear" and I was all, "Yeah, it's a drag, but hopefully I will make it up soon" while I'm actually walking down the hall toward her room.

As I enter her room, I see her, sitting in her wheelchair, completely focused on the phone on the table next to the head of her bed. I walk behind her wheelchair and have a seat on her bed, still having the "I'm sorry I couldn't come" conversation. I figure she'll notice me anytime now. But she doesn't. Her vision isn't the greatest any more, maybe her hearing is a little reduced too... but in any case, she is totally oblivious to me sitting maybe three feet away from her.

At this point I ask myself, should I:
(a) Stop this cruel joke now, or
(b) Find some amusing way to take things to the next level?

Naturally, I choose (b).

I say to her, "Hey, I forgot to tell you... I got this cool new phone that lets me SEE who I'm talking to!"

"Oh?", she says.

"Yeah, it's great. I'm looking at you right now! That's a nice blouse you're wearing, by the way. Are those flowers on it? The picture's not too clear but I can make them out pretty well!"

Then I compliment her on the pants she has on too, and describe them to her. She has TOTALLY bought into my story by now, saying stuff like, "Oh, these old things!" and smoothing her clothes down and everything.

I figure the time has come to give her a way out. When she moves her wheelchair backwards slightly, I say, "Careful! You almost ran over my foot!" She says, "What?", to which I reply, "Look over your shoulder."

She looks over the wrong shoulder.

And returns to the phone.

I say, "No, your OTHER shoulder."

She looks at me. I burst into laughter.

She says, "You BASTARD!!!".

I nearly wet my pants.

She says, "I should punch you right in the mouth!"

And there you have it. The last, and probably best, joke I ever played on my grandmother. She passed away in the summer of that year. Threw a blood clot or something, and it was all pretty quick, so I'm happy about that.

And I'm pretty certain it wasn't related to the joke. Gulp.

The Doctor is Out

OK, the scar has gone back into the creepy skin container, and my beard has already started to come back to a nice stubble. The mascara has even washed out of my eyebrows, more or less.

Dr. Evil is done for the year.

I had another good day on the 31st at my kids' school. I was swarmed by kids who: (a) Wanted to know where Mini-me was; or (b) wanted me to admit who I *really* was.

One of the highlights of the day was completely psyching out the vice principal, who did not recognize me when we passed and spoke in the hallway, despite the fact that he sees me and speaks to me every single day. The power of disguise is very heady.

Doctor Evil has had a few really good runs. I think I'll have to work on some new ideas for next year.

But not likely the Ballet Dancer of Death again.

Scar Wars

Movies are my weakness. Superman had kryptonite, some people have shoes, but I have movies.

Somehow, although money is as tight as it has ever been, I have still managed in the last two weeks to purchase the two dvd's that have consumed my attention: Batman Begins, and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The latter movie is the subject of today's post.

I haven't even cracked the plastic wrapper yet (though I anticipate doing so about 30 seconds after finishing this post) but already I have a question:

Where's Anakin's scar?

Through the whole movie, Anakin Skywalker has a prominent scar which comes down through his left eye and into his cheek. I think it illustrates the battles he has been through, and even foreshadows his descent into the Dark Side.

However, on the cover of the dvd, he doesn't have a scar.

Why not? (Oh, and if your response is "Who cares?", I suspect you're in the majority... but I digress)

I mean, someone must have decided to remove his scar, I just don't see the reason.

Oh well. It's a question for the ages I guess.

I'll try not to lay awake wondering about it. But if I do, maybe I should wake up my wife and ask her opinion. Ha ha. "Hey honey, wake up. Why do you think they removed Anakin's scar on the cover of the new Star Wars dvd?" BAM. No more staying awake problems. I'd be instantly unconscious.